Tag: abuser

12 Steps to Keeping Your Sanity When You Are Sleeping With the Enemy

Keeping your sanity – when you are sleeping with the enemy. Let me share a story. I came to the Lord during a time of crisis in my life. Isn’t that how it goes? Anyway, I was charmed by the ‘snake’ just like Eve in the garden. His talk was smooth, he was absolutely charming, but underneath he was a snake.  I lived many years in Domestic Abuse and little did I know that this was the start of a very destructive relationship. And, it has happened to me more than once  – more than one relationship.

The World calls him the Abuser,

the Doctors call him the Narcissist,

and the Church calls him the Jezebel Spirit.  

It’s all about deception, and ultimately power and control.

And you my friend are the target if you fall for his lies.

dont fall for it

 

Recently I got an email from a follower asking for action steps on how to keep your sanity in the middle of the mess. Thank you my friend for the inspiration.  Here is my experience.

 

12 STEPS TO KEEPING YOUR SANITY

WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

 

  1. Accept the fact that you have been deceived. The dream was a nightmare. It was not what you thought, and that’s ok. The truth will set you free.

  2. Ask God to help you and read His Word. Only the Truth will cut through the lies.

  3. Ask God to reveal where you have been lied to. And get ready for tears as God shows you.

  4. Once the Holy Spirit shows you, give yourself permission NOT to confront the Abuser/Narcissist/Enemy. You don’t have to prove yourself right. God is showing you, not him. And seriously, he doesn’t care – he doesn’t want to.

  5. Start a journal. Write down what happens. Find a scripture verse to hold onto for the situation and write that down too. I had a tendency to forget what happened with living from crisis to crisis. Seeing it down on paper over time made it real for me.

  6. Give yourself permission to NOT change him. It is not your job. And he probably doesn’t even want to change. He thinks he is right – all the time.

  7. Give yourself some space and time. Not everything has to be decided today.

  8. Seek out professional support. I had help from the Pastor, church friends, Counselors, and a few friends.

  9. Start to reestablish your independence – quietly if you are still living in the same house. Start looking for a job, call someone, read a motivational book. Reignite the flame that he has blown out. You can do it.

  10. Ask God to put a barrier between you and the Abuser/Narcissist/Enemy. Every time I saw the Abuser I pictured mirrors all around me. That way anything he said bounced right back to him.

  11. If you are married, ask God for wisdom. God did not create you to be abused. Spiritual abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse are NOT what marriage is. I had to separate with my ex. And he still did not want to change. With his repeated unfaithfulness we eventually divorced. It was messy, yes, but today I live in peace.

  12. Yes, pray for him. Whether he changes or not, it will free you. Forgiveness does not mean what he did was right, but it frees you from the baggage and allows God to deal with him. There is such freedom in letting go of trying to change him. Let go of the strings my friends, God will take it from here.

I found a wonderful image of what this looks like from The Narcissists Wife.

 

Source - http://www.narcissistswife.com/19-signs-married-to-a-narcissist/
Source – http://www.narcissistswife.com/19-signs-married-to-a-narcissist/

 

(Other images from Pinterest)

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I Told Myself This Would Never Happen Again

I told myself this would never happen again. After getting out of the last abusive relationship, I vowed to myself that I would never let someone treat me like that ever again.  And yet, not knowing how sick I was – the next relationship was more abusive than the last.  The stakes were higher, the abuse was deeper, and let’s just say there are a lot of sick folk out there.  I want to share this part of my story today.  I see other women going from man to man, from abuse to abuse, looking for the next Prince Charming.  And it hurts. It hurts to see it.  Because you know the price you paid to get out. And you don’t want to see another woman/girl hurt.

I wasn’t born stupid. Really. Intelligence has nothing to do with it.  I was deceived. I believed all the pretty little lies he said. I wanted a picture perfect marriage. I wanted the white picket fence.  Who doesn’t? I mean it’s not like you know the end from the beginning.  Hey if I knew then what I know now, my answer would have been, “NO way, not in a million years!”

After relationship upon relationship with Abusers I was forced to look in the mirror.  No I did not ask for it. No I did not want it, but lets face it – my ‘people’ radar was broken.  I was trusting people that were not safe. I was putting myself in a position to be hurt – again and again.  And I had to make a new choice. A choice to learn what a healthy relationship looked like, and admit that I wasn’t in one.  That hurt too.  What I thought I had was a lie.  The truth has a way of shining into the darkness and peeling away the lies I kept telling myself. Yeah, all the pretty little lies we tell ourselves – because we are afraid. And fearful. And have no friends, and no money by this point.

Lies I Told Myself While in an Abusive Relationship:

  • It will get better
  • He just had a bad day
  • He just needs a beer
  • I am really a screw-up
  • It’s all my fault
  • I wish I wasn’t so stupid
  • I should have…
  • You are lucky to have him, you could be alone
  • It’s not really that bad
  • Every husband hits his wife, right?
  • Nobody said it would be easy
  • Everybody fights like this
  • Maybe I could just jump off a bridge
  • You can’t get a divorce – God will hate you forever

 

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, get help today.  It really does not need to stay that way. As for me, I couldn’t do it alone.  I didn’t know how.  My first stop was the local YWCA and the Domestic Violence Center Advocate.  She listened as I shared my story. No judgement, no pointing fingers – she listened. And then I met a whole building full of other women who had been through the same thing.  Girl power. I was not alone. And me and the kids could be free. That was like a breath of fresh air right there!

 

 

 

learn the 8
Learn the 8 by BeautyCares

 

Featured Image Source: Tumblr

 

 

 

 

Peace of Mind at Last

You are always free to make a new choice. Just because you are in a bad situation does not mean it will not change. It will get better – but somethings just have to change.  I have been in bad relationships.  I have been lied to, hurt, cheated on – again and again.  Can I tell you something? IT’S NOT YOU – IT’S HIM.  I was faithful, he was not.  So once I found out – I had to decide. What do I do with this information?

I lied to myself for years.  Pretended it didn’t happen. Until it kept happening again and again.  They call it denial.  As long as I was denying things – nothing changed.  And my silence did not motivate my ex to change.  He just kept doing it.

So I tried the ‘fight’ thing.  But just be ready – especially if you are living in Domestic Violence.  Confronting the Abuser with anything is like lighting the wick on a bomb.  It gets worse.  And it did.

I finally got the courage to leave – and say NO – YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME ANYMORE! I don’t care what you do with your life – but I am not going to be part of your sick cheating self anymore!   No, I couldn’t change him. But I could change me.  And an unfaithful husband is no husband at all.  I thought I had a marriage – but he didn’t.  I though he was faithful – but he wasn’t.  I thought he wanted a great family life – but he didn’t.  I though he wanted to grow old together – but he didn’t.

My silence was like saying I was ‘ok’ with it – and I was not.

I had to quit lying to myself and make a new choice.

Even if it meant leaving everything.

I wrote a blog post a while back about how a woman finally has enough and leaves the abuser. Enough is enough sometimes. And even though when I and the kids left we lost everything – our house – our stuff – the kids toys – our clothes – our books – our music – etc., it was worth it. That was over 10 years ago. And I can say, God has restored us – in more ways than one!

My friend tmv took my original poem, HYPNOTIZED and made it into a song.  (I also spoke about the insanity of living in abuse with my poem A HANDFUL OF SAND).  I wrote about t here – she has an amazing story of God’s redemption as well. TMV is a 911 survivor who uses her gift to give God praise!  You can read more about here here – WHEN GOD IS EVERYTHING. This is her latest song.

 

 

Peace of Mind

©2014 Words and Music by tmv and Diana Rasmussen
Engineered/Mixed/Mastered by Scott Smith of SAS Recording and Marc Frigo of Frigo Recording

How she’d look up to him
With stars in her eyes
She was so mesmerized
His blue eyes just hypnotized her
She chose to ignore the signs
preferring to adore him

Each time when they’d go out
She’d dress up to look just right
Always dressing to appease
Her job was to keep the peace
But it all began to feel wrong
As he strung her along

She lives with Insanity
Prisoner of depravity
But to end her abuse
Only she can choose

Willpower looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
She could be free and have
Her peace of mind at last
He always criticized her
Found ways to minimize her
No matter what her move
Hed find ways to disapprove
No matter how hard she tried
He always justified it

She lives with Insanity
Prisoner of depravity
But to end her abuse
Only she can choose

Willpower looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
She could be free and have
Her peace of mind at last
Friends kept trying to help her to escape from his hell
That last blackend eye, Became her rebel yell

She Stopped his insanity
No more depravity
Only she could choose
To end her abuse

Her future looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
Now she’ll be free…
She can finally breathe…
She has…
Her peace of mind, at last
Her peace of mind at last

 

 

Drowning in Fear – NaPoWriMo Day 12

Have you ever run across someone who blatantly refuses God? Or becomes angry when you come to The Lord? Yeah, me too. Many times the Abuser gets jealous of a woman’s relationship with God and God’s people. They suddenly realize they are not on the throne anymore. The Abuser is not God. No matter how many times he tells you he is. It’s a lie.

You can tell this was written from my angry days. From when I wish he would just go away. It is normal to be angry when someone you thought was supposed to love you treats you that way. It wasn’t love. It was abuse. If you are living in a violent relationship, get help today. Get out while you still can. And heal, with God’s help.

Here’s an old poem I found from my journals when I was living in Domestic Violence.
DV

DROWNING IN FEAR

©2014 Diana Rasmussen

Living in the land of the shadows
Holding a bow with broken arrows
Shooting at all who God calls hallowed
He’d rather steal, kill, and borrow

He fell into his bottle of sorrows
Drowning in the fear of tomorrows

Determined to refuse God’s promises
Trades the Truth for a Lie just to wallow
The dead man refuses to follow
The God who cares for the sparrows

He fell into his bottle of sorrows
Drowning in the fear of tomorrows

Crazy for Thinking I Could Change Him

Crazy. For thinking I was the Savior – that I could change someone’s behavior. Crazy for thinking it was all about me. Crazy for thinking things would get better when you live with an Abuser – when actually things were getting worse day by day. Denial is powerful. Especially when you have given away your power. Crazy for thinking he would be faithful – when he is gone night after night.

Living in an abusive relationship is toxic – to me. It’s all about power and control. And a small man pretending he is God. Crazy, I tell you.

If you need help, reach out today. Call the hotline for Domestic Abuse, or the YWCA, or tell a friend. Life doesn’t have to stay CRAZY! God will make a way where there is no way. He will put people in your path to lead you out of the darkness and into the light.

Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy

Sometimes, we act on impulse: it could be something as small as ordering that special dessert on the menu, maybe asking out that cute boy or girl, or as large quitting your job and selling everything you own to become a shepherd in New Zealand. What’s the most crazy, outrageously impulsive thing you’ve ever done? If you’ve never succumbed to temptation, dream a little. If you gave yourself permission to go a little crazy, what would you do?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us IMPULSE.

CRAZY by Patsy Cline

Crazy
I’m crazy for feeling so lonely
I’m crazy
Crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you’d love me as long as you wanted
And then some day
You’d leave me for somebody new

Worry
Why do I let myself worry?
Wondering
What in the world did I do?

Oh, crazy
For thinking that my love could hold you
I’m crazy for trying
And crazy for crying
And I’m crazy for loving you

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I’m crazy for trying
And crazy for crying
And I’m crazy for loving
You

Image Source: Pinterest

No Wonder I Felt Sick Living in Abuse

No wonder I felt sick while living in Abuse. The effects are way more than just what happens when the Abuser acts out their anger. It is physical. And it made me sick. It is more than just emotions. I read this today and it really helped me understand. I remember that last year I was living in abuse I had all sorts of things going on physically. I ended up with weird medical things like Shingles – twice. And a month later Viral Meningitis. I would not wish that one on anyone. And then the girl problems…Ugggh.

This article says women living in abuse have THREE TIMES MORE problems with reproductive issues. And 48% more chance of being diagnosed with Depression – yep. Been there, done that. The scariest part for me was:

Abused women are 70 percent more likely to have heart disease,

80 percent more likely to experience a stroke

and 60 percent more likely to develop asthma than women who have not experienced abuse;

No wonder I was so sick!  If you are having physical problems with your health – see someone today.  Take the first step.  Domestic violence eats away at your body and your soul.  Break the silence and get help today.

Health Survey of Domestic Violence Survivors Finds Major Unmet Health Needs (via PR Newswire)

More Lies from the Abuser

Lies piled on lies. I’m not feeling very joyful today. Guess it’s time for a ‘rant.’ I am so tired of the lies. My ex, the abuser in my past, keeps lying. He is not a part of my life, with the exception of the kids we had together. I have full placement and full custody. Yet, he still has visitation rights. Yipee. Now I know he is their father but why won’t he treat them better than he treated me? I really get mad when he lies to them!

Long story short, he thought he would play the ‘hero’ a year or so ago. He bought the kids both iPhones. They already had phones. It cost me $300 to cancel that contract. And he paid their phone bill for about a year. Or come to find out, his new girlfriend did. Yep, he takes kids to Disneyland, buys two new vehicles, gets a new house, new furniture. And here we sit again – no child support and more lies.

Well, girlfriend #1 must have caught on. I tried to warn her. But guess what? Big surprise. He took money from her too. I recently found out that he got a judgement and garnishment for $5000 from the girlfriend. It’s on CCAP. He told the kids he broke up with her. Yeah right.

Then he goes and gets another girlfriend. And she funds his ‘business’ for another 6 months. Until she gets the garnishment from girlfriend #1. Girlfriend #2 pays him with a rubber check. NSF. She probably wised up and stopped payment on the check. Why do I care? I don’t. But now he doesn’t pay the kids phone bills and their phones get turned off. And he has told them everyday that, “I’ll turn them on tomorrow.” Yeah right. It’s been almost 2 weeks now. But you know, he will turn them on tomorrow, as he calls on HIS new phone. Lies. All lies. And he is blaming it on the check. Like the check is alive and it’s all the checks fault.

And I get to pick up the pieces. And I get to go buy new trackphones. With time. I don’t want to commit to another contract and have to do that again. Great. Once again mom gets to fix it. While he sits and blames everyone else and piles up the lies. I am so sick of this I could just puke. Sociopath

Image Source: http://virtualtreasures.hubpages.com/hub/Sociopathic-Tendencies-Pathological-Lying

New law targets repeat abusers

Finally a Representative willing to take a stand against Domestic Violence and repeat offenders. A new law was passed in IL. Yes, repeat your offense and go to jail. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200! Thank you to Representative Emily McAsey from Illinois!

I remember how frustrating it was when I had to call the police again and again through the years of an abusive relationship. Yes, the police would ask him to leave. Then I had to go and file the restraining order. Then I would call when he came back and broke the “no contact” rule. He always did. Then he goes back to jail for a day or two. Yeah, that was it. Gives him just enough time to plan the next attack. And he gets out, and comes home – again. And the cycle starts again. Give it a month, a week, a day or two and it starts all over again.

But today I learned there is a new law in IL that will help increase the consequences for repeat offenders. Hallelujah! I pray this law goes national, and worldwide!

Amends the Criminal Code of 2012. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 4 felony if the defendant has one or 2 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 3 felony if the defendant had 3 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 2 felony if the defendant had 4 or more prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery.
(source: http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/)

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers (via Romeoville Patch)

“This law will help protect victims in our community and serve as a deterrent to future domestic abuse,” says state Rep. Emily McAsey. Received from the Office of State Representative Emily McAsey: Legislation sponsored by state Rep. Emily McAsey to…

Continue reading “New law targets repeat abusers”

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser

I remember a story my mom always used to tell me.  She said,” Diana, how do you boil a frog?” I said, ” I don’t know.” She said, “A little at a time.”

frog

You see when we put the frog in the water it was cold water. It wasn’t hot, no reason to jump out.  That’s what an abusive relationship starts out as – a cold pot of water. Then, after a time, the abuser lights the stove.  His behavior starts to change.  This may be accentuated with alcohol or drugs. Then the water starts to boil, as his actions become more and more controlling.  First he doesn’t want you to see your friends. Then he cuts you off from the family for some reason or another.  Then he won’t let you work.  Then he takes away the car, and the money.  And the water is so hot by then you can’t even imagine getting out.  So you don’t even try.

By this time, you are afraid when the sun goes down. You are constantly on edge trying to please “His Highness”. Anything to avoid a fight.  Especially when you have small children.  He says he wants the house clean and dinner ready by the time he gets home.  So you do exactly as you are told.  You tell yourself to “be the good wife” and not rock the boat.  You pick up after the kids all day, have the house clean, and a great dinner – but then he doesn’t come home. Until after 2am.  You pace around all night, scream at the kids because you are so angry, and finally get them to sleep.  You try calling his phone – but he turns it off.  So you wait.  Your whole world revolves around what he does and how you can please him.  He has become your God.  You would do anything for him.  As he walks all over you and squashes you like a bug.

Welcome to Abusive Relationship Training 101  This is not normal.  This is not healthy.  This is not a pattern you want to teach your children.  Real love doesn’t look like this.

Here are some ideas on how to start to change YOUR MIND.  What HE does is not the focus of this article.

We cannot control what the Abuser does,

but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT!

worship (verb)

  1.  to honor or respect (someone or something) as a god
  2. to show respect and love for God or for a god especially by praying, having religious services, etc.
  3. to love or honor (someone or something) very much or too much

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/worship

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser:

1.  Admit that you have put him on a pedestal

Yes, we did. We think we are trying to keep the peace, but in all reality there is no peace.  A relationship like this thrives on chaos and confusion.  The fights become more frequent and more intense as the relationship goes on.  The first step in changing this picture is to stop worshipping the ground he walks on.  He is not God.

This may be difficult as many victims have an idealized picture of what the relationship looks like.  Victims tend to idolize the “honeymoon phase” and ignore the “big blow out” phase.  We lie to ourselves.  If we told ourselves the truth, then we would have to DO something. This was one of the hardest things for me.  I knew how to live as the victim.  If I stayed the victim, then in my mind,  I always had someone to blame.

Taking back my thoughts was step one of my healing.  I didn’t have to worship him.  It was not my job to change him.  He was not who I thought he was, and that was the truth.  And I was not myself either.

2. Admit that even though he thinks he is GOD, he is not.

Another step to healing was to admit to myself that my thoughts could be different from his.  And I didn’t have to prove them to anyone.  I have my own thoughts and feelings. God gave them to ME when He made me.  The Abuser was great at telling me how I should feel, what I should look like, what I should do.  I gave my power away.  I gave my thoughts and dreams away to him.

No more.  I gave myself permission to think differently. Just because he said something, didn’t mean it was true.  I  gave myself permission to seek out my own truth, and ‘own’ my own feelings.  And I didn’t even have to tell him.  Talk about freedom!

One of the things I learned to say after years of therapy/spiritual counsel was, “I am sorry YOU feel that way.”  That helped me divide my feelings from that of my abuser.  It was liberating, it was awesome, and he hated it.  Be prepared at this point for the fights to increase.  Any sign of ‘unsubmission’ may irritate the abuser more.  Be prepared to walk away.  Have an action plan, and a safe house to go to at this stage.

3. Develop your own Spiritual Plan of Action and Worship

The last step that I did to de-throne the “king” was to develop healthy relationships with other people.  I chose to go to therapy and seek Spiritual Counsel.  I asked the abuser to go with me.  He did for a time, until he got thrown out of the office!  Yep, more than one counselor, and more than one time.  Then we started to go to church.  We would go together until we met with the Pastor.  I have had 3 different Pastors from 3 different churches tell me that I needed to leave.  That the abuser was not interested in change.  I left the abuser 7 different times in 8 years.  The last time was Oct 2004, and I haven’t gone back.  My kids and I got out, and with the help of the local YWCA Shelter, we started our new life.  I am not a frog, and neither are my children!

Now I am not a counselor, although I have been a patient.  I am not a Pastor, although I have been a follower for many years now. Having other people in my life that taught me about who GOD really was opened my eyes to who I had been worshipping all these years – the abuser!

Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org
Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org

(Featured Photo Source: nourishingpassions.com)

Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

It has been brought up again and again, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”  I wish there was an easy answer.  But it is different for each person.  That is why it is IMPERATIVE, in my opinion, that a victim seek professional help.  The Police get involved for a reason. There are counselors in place at every domestic violence shelter that I have ever been to.  There are professional counselors that will help lead a person out of bondage.  Even our regular MD Doctors ask us every visit, ” Do you feel safe at home?”  There are Pastors that can help someone get the help they need. I had to tell someone, anyone, what was going on. BREAKING THE SILENCE was  step one for me to get out alive.  I didn’t have to dump everything, I just had to say something…

Ok, you asked. Here are the statistics along with my source.

We don’t leave right away because we fear for our lives.
We have been told again and again that if we do we will be killed,
and so will our children…and many die trying.
Terrorism – in your own house, that’s what it’s like….
and here is a .pdf with

50 OBSTACLES TO LEAVING a.k.a. WHY ABUSE VICTIMS STAY

http://www.vcpionline.org/pdfs/50%20Reasons%20Why%20Victims%20Stay.pdf
From: joannewellington.wordpress.com
From: joannewellington.wordpress.com

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS

*
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.
*
Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
*
A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
*
About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
*
 Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
*
Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.
*
Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.
*
Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
*
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
*
Intimate partner violence a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
*On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
*
Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.
image

Yep, IT’S LIKE TERRORISM.  so why do people blame the victim?