Tag Archives: Humor

God Doesn’t  Plant Money Trees

This morning I read Mark 4 where Jesus talks about the seed and 4 types of soil. You know I always focused on the soil. I wanted to be that good soil that would produce the harvest. But I missed the seed part of the story.

Mark 4:13-14 NKJV

And He said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? How then will you understand all the parables? The sower sows the word. 
Mark 4:13-14 AMP

Then He said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? How will you understand and grasp the meaning of all the parables? The sower sows the word of God, the good news regarding the way of salvation. 

Have you ever cut open an apple, a lemon, or a kiwi? There are tons of seeds inside that kiwi. Each seed has the potential to grow another plant. Harvest already there – just waiting to be planted. Tons of possibilities already inside that seed. God put it there when He spoke it. 

Next I turned on the TV.  It was pretty early. I happened on one TV Preacher talking about the seed. He cut open some fruit, showed us the seeds, and then bragged about how he was debt free and had tons of money in the bank because he sowed money one time. Told the sad story of how he was losing his house, his job, you know. But then he went to church that day and pledged $1000 to another Preacher. Then he said people just started giving him money and now he’s rich. He got to the part of how I needed to send him $1000 so I could activate my faith. He said if I planted the seed of $1000 God would multiply it back to me. That’s when I turned the channel.

Came upon another TV Preacher. Funny, he was preaching the same thing. He said just like an apple tree had seeds to make another apple tree inside, if I sent him $1000 God would give it back to me with a harvest. That’s when I turned off the tv!

I went to brush my teeth and it hit me, 

“The seed is the Word of God, not money! 

God doesn’t plant money trees!”

It makes me mad when people use religion to push their own addenda. I don’t recall Jesus ever preaching like this. I think some TV Preachers are just money changers in the temple. Time to turn over some tables!

  
Genesis 1:11-13  NKJV

Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth”; and it was so. And the earth brought forth grass, the herb that yields seed according to its kind, and the tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. So the evening and the morning were the third day. 

  

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Christmas Isn’t Always a Hallmark Card – 10 Funny Ideas

Sometimes I look at those cards. You know the pretty ones with the happy families on the front? My life just doesn’t look like that. No snowmen – it’s like 55 today in WI. No sleigh rides, no happy horses. Where do they get these ideas? Who really lives like that anyway?

Maybe I should start my own card line. Ones for real life.

10 Funny Ideas for Real Life Christmas Cards:

  1. Let’s have multiple Christmases this year to make sure everyone can come. Yeah, splitting time with the ex’s just makes the Holiday more Merry!
  2. Do I really have to buy a present for the ex from the kids? Does it have to be nice?
  3. Another Holiday? Another family fight? Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
  4. Spiked punch or unspiked? Silver bells, silver bells…
  5. Bills or presents – that is the question!
  6. Are you coming unglued? Yes, me too – let’s try some tape.
  7. I can’t believe I forgot to buy a present for…let me go find something quick.
  8. Am I a Redneck if I re-gift things I didn’t use from last year?
  9. Where’s that darn tape again? Ugggh!
  10. If I hear one more Christmas Carol I am going to lose my mind. Oh yeah, I think I already wrapped that up!

 

 

Here’s to the rest of us – with a bit of humor thrown in to keep our sanity! Don’t worry – God knows us and loves us, humor and all. Think of the big job He has with all his kiddos. Now that is a handful! God bless us everyone!

 

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(All images from Pinterest. Maxine Cartoons are by Maxine.com)

The Older I Get…

The older I get…

  • The more I look like my mother.
  • The more I realize my parents knew a thing or two.
  • The more I learn and the less I know.
  • The more forgiving I am to myself and others. We’re all a little broken in places.
  • The more I learn to love God and others. 
  • The more I can laugh at life. After all we made it through some pretty heavy stuff right?

  

    Quotes on getting older

    • “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” Ann Landers 
    • “You’ll learn as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” – Mandy Hale
    • “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Woody Allen 
    • “By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” George Burns 
    •  

    (All images from Pinterest)

     

      The Girl with the Dreams

      Sometimes I dress like a dork. Really. And I forget to look at myself before I leave, lol!  I have a conference this Saturday so I thought I would go find something nice to wear. Off I went to our local mall with my head in the clouds. Busy thinking about this and that and the other thing. Until I get there – and look down…ugggh!  You can see my one pink sock clashing with my one yellow sock. And my old gym shoes with my fancy leggings. I forgot to put on my boots! Oh man, yeah, here I am Ms Suzy-Q looking at all these really expensive clothes with my clashing socks.  I laughed so hard I almost peed myself!

      So I did what any songwriter would do, I came home and wrote a song about it. (And no, I haven’t found what to wear yet – there is always tomorrow. Maybe I’ll wear pink and purple socks…)

      worth

      The Girl with the Dreams

      ~Copyright 2015 Diana Rasmussen~
      She went to the mall after dropping off the kids
      Moved hanger after hanger of the latest styles
      Who should she be today?
      Rifling through racks trying to decide
      Where was the girl with the dreams?
      Was she the stay at home mom or the busy man’s wife?
      What could she pick to bring everything back to life?
      Where’s the girl who used to put on satin and fringe?
      The girl with the dreams
      She looked down at her shoes and her mismatching socks
      Realized she left without putting on her boots
      as she silently screamed
      Can she be found in the clearance racks?
      Where was the girl with the dreams?
      Was she the stay at home mom or the busy man’s wife?
      What could she pick to bring everything back to life?
      Where’s the girl who used to put on satin and fringe?
      The girl with the dreams
      She saw that she wasn’t alone
      there were tribes of women
      all trying to be found
      inbetween the designer gowns
      There were stay at home moms and busy man’s wives
      Bringing everything they touched back to life
      They may be older but they wore satin and fringe
      Girls who grew up and were living their dreams

      AND here is a BONUS – 45 QUOTES FROM A 90 YEAR OLD WOMAN courtesy of PopSugar – great advice here! (Click on the picture or the link above)

      45 quotes

      (Image Credit: PopSugar.com, Pinterest)

      Computer fun

      Computer fun. We either love them or hate them!

      “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Apple Inc.

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      I Can’t Believe I Stepped in That!

      Yep. It’s Monday. Let me share a funny story – a true story. In fact I got to experience it this morning.  Yesterday was our “Opa Sunday”. Once a month or so we have Bob’s dad and My Dad and Stepmom over for lunch.  This way the kids get to hear the stories of what life was like when they grew up. Kind of a family tradition thing.  Between Bob and I we have 6 kids – some are grown and out on their own. Yesterday we had 3 of the 6 here.  Lots of laughs, burgers, a bottle of wine, and My dad brings his own beer. And they each bring their dogs. So we have 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 bunnies and all of us. Usually we start with cheese and crackers. Yesterday’s menu was hot dogs and burgers. And all the dogs fight for treats – all day. Good times, good stories, good company. It was a fun day, doggies and all.monday dog 2

      So about four in the morning our dog Emmy starts barking her head off. And then we hear a knock on the door. My husband comes downstairs and then comes back upstairs and says, “Hey, there is someone outside on a cell phone.” He puts a shirt on and I race downstairs. Now we have teenagers at home, so I’m thinking, “Oh man, what kid is here now?” and “What kid of mine is outside talking outside on the phone at 4 AM?”  Yep Ms D. is pumped.

      My first stop was each of the kids room. I turn on the lights and yell, “Who is outside and who are you talking to?” Both are in bed asleep.  I get the ‘”huh?” as they sit up in bed dazed. Ok, they are safe so I am off to the front door.

      So I run into the kitchen, keep in mind I am still in my pj’s and I am barefoot. And then I feel it – something warm and squishy in between my toes. “S#*t!” I say out loud.  I can’t believe I stepped in that! Then I almost trip over the dog trying to get to the door.  I open the door wide enough to get myself outside and push the dog back so she doesn’t bite whoever this is.  There is a man on our porch, probably about 50 holding a box. Not looking good here.

      cat

      My response – ok, not the most Christian thing to say, but keep in mind I am not awake and I have dog poop in between my toes!  “Who in the f*^k are you?”  His eyes get real big. “Uh, Uh, I have a package for Rasmussen – a delivery.”  I turn myself around, realizing for the first time I am outside talking to a stranger in my pj’s with dog poop in between my toes.  I turn around, and don’t say a word. I open the door, kick the dog back (yes, with that foot) and by that time Bob is downstairs and I say, “Hey, your freaking  part is here for the job today.”  He goes outside and gets the part from the dude. I think I scared the crap out of him, and the dog, lol!

      Happy Monday!

      bunny

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Are You the Tortoise or the Hare?

      How do you see yourself these days? Are you a tortoise or a hare? Are you impulsive? Or does it take you forever to make a decision? Have things changed for you over the years?

      I found a great character lesson online from this simple story. This is from LatoyaEdwards:

      What we learn from Hare:

      Pride comes before the fall: The Hare’s main character flaw is his pride. It’s what makes him think it’s okay to take a nap during the race and ultimately costs him a victory.

      Fast isn’t always best: Hare is sure that he’ll win because he’s fast. But being the best at something isn’t always about speed. My oldest son struggles with this during school work. He likes to speed through his assignments so he can get on to the next thing. Most of the time it ends up taking him twice as long because he makes a lot of mistakes

      Boasting is not a good way to make friends: Hare liked to brag about his speed. So much so that most of the other animals didn’t want anything to do with him. My boys are just learning that boasting about what they are good at can make others feel sad.

      Lessons from Tortoise:

      It can be good to be the underdog: I love that the slowest animal in the forest is able to work hard and win the race against the fastest animal in the forest. I like to point out to my boys that they can do more than they (and others) think they can.
      Hard work leads to success: Tortoise put in his hours of preparation to get ready for the big race. He got in shape and had a plan. I remind my boys that that need to work hard at their tasks in order to success

       

      tortoise_hare

      I remember when I was younger. I was definitely the Hare. I did not think before I jumped. I would rush into whatever I wanted just because I could.  But things have changed. I guess I got burned a few times. And learned from my mistakes.  Today I am more like the tortoise. I am not so fast to jump into new things. I am slower in thought and deeds and more purposeful in my activities.

       

      What about you? Are you a tortoise or hare?

       

       

      Lighten Up and Laugh!

      Lighten up and laugh! Ok, so last night we got a new bunny for my daughters FFA project this year. Got the cage, got the water bottle, got the bedding and the food and she named him Rhett. Yeah, it’s “Gone with the Wind” over here!

      So this morning my daughter and her friend decide to go help out at the FFA flower sale at school – with the bunny. Seeing as tomorrow is Mothers Day and we are cooking I am still in my pajamas.   And she’s ready to go. So what do I do? I put on a jacket and load two girls with pop tarts and a bunny to go to school. My daughter wanted to bring Rhett too.  He rode on her lap, lol! And on the way I heard this song for the first time.  I was rolling! Cracked me up, I had to share it…

      A WOMAN’S RANT
      JO DEE MESSINA

      6 am I’m out of bed, I stumble through the haze
      Ain’t no coffee strong enough to get me through my day
      One thing to another, there’s no time to stop
      I hit the ground a runnin’ and keep runnin’ til I drop
      I’m taking care of everyone, oh, my heads in a spin
      I tried but I just don’t remember signing up for this

      Before I leave the house, I pack a diaper bag with clothes and snacks
      Laptop, cell phone, find my keys, feed the dogs before I leave
      Everybody’s needs are my responsibility
      It sure’d be nice to have somebody taking care of me, yeah

      Why, why, why, why?
      When I’m through with this life
      I am gonna have a come to Jesus
      You can guarantee
      When I walk through those pearly gates
      I am gonna have a talk with Eve

      There’s so many things that I can’t begin to understand
      The differences that are between a woman and a man
      See woman they do twice the work and get half the pay

      Men they climb the ladder while the women pave the way
      They say we are the weaker sex, I’d have to disagree
      I’d walk a mile in his shoes if he’d walk a half a mile in these

      Why, why, why, why?
      When I’m through with this life
      I am gonna have a come to Jesus
      You can guarantee
      When I walk through those pearly gates
      I am gonna have a talk with Eve

      Botox, peels, exfoliate, we have the babies, lose the weight
      Laundry, dishes, up all night, I try my best to get it right

      Husband, kids, work all day, I got PMS and PTA
      Find the thing my kid can’t find, I need a drink but there’s no time

      So many things I have on my list
      No wonder why at times Oh I can seem like such a… WITCH

      Why, why, why, why?
      When I’m through with this life
      I am gonna have a come to Jesus
      You can guarantee
      When I walk through those pearly gates
      I am gonna have a talk with Eve

      Ha ha ha, what was he thinking?

      Jo Dee Messina ME

       

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      Do Not Give Up!

      Nelson Mandela, "As I walked out the door...
      Nelson Mandela, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison (Photo credit: symphony of love)

      Do Not Give Up!

      “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
      ― Winston Churchill

      “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
      ― Maya Angelou

      “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
      ― Thomas Edison

      “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.”
      ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

      “I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.”
      ― Nelson Mandela

      You Can Do It! (via Prayers and Promises)

      When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

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      A Screwdriver and a Pen

      God will give you what you need, when you need it.  I have a funny story to share with you.  My husband Bob and I have our own IT Business, InnovativeTeks.  For the last two years, since my leg broke, he has been the one driving all around doing all these jobs for different businesses while I have been in PT and recovery mode.  What a man of God.  He trusts God to provide work each and every day and is flexible enough to not lose it when things change.

      So, yesterday was Monday – yeah a real Monday.  He had 3 jobs over towards Milwaukee – which is over an hour from our little country home.  We have a Toyota Camry for our work car, and he has a fold up ladder and his tools in the trunk – usually.  But remember, this was Monday.  The day before, because we play together at church, he had taken out his tools and the ladder and put them in our shed to fit the guitar and music bag, and of course the kids.  (No we didn’t put them in the trunk!)

      Anyway, he gets to Milwaukee and sends me this picture:  His text says, “Oh boy, weeeee…”.  This is a $15,000 Server that has been down with 16 Hard Drives inside.  My response, “May God give you favor!”.  Then he goes to the trunk –  no tools. Great. God speaks to his heart, “Everything you need is already here.” 

       

      So Bob digs in the trunk and finds a screwdriver and a pen.  And goes into this big business, who shall remain unnamed, with a screwdriver and a pen.  After talking to the Manager he finds out the device has been down for over a month.  It was new and it has never worked.  They have had multiple people there who make well over $100,000/year trying to fix it.  So Bob prays, “Lord, show me.”  The system did not see all the hard drives – even though they were already there.

      Long story short, God gave him wisdom.  It was a script error.  There was nothing wrong with the motherboard or the computer. It had everything it needed, but the script did not “see” all the hard drives.  Bob did what he does with God’s wisdom, and changed the script.  And he fixed it – with a screwdriver and a pen!

      It makes me wonder – We already have the Holy Spirit – the power of God inside of us.  

      How many of us have hidden hard drives?

      The script for our lives has been rewritten with the Blood of Jesus.  

      Everything we already need is in us.  

      Let’s stop running the old script – we are restored – by the Blood of Jesus – all it took was a screwdriver and a pen!

      IMG_1826

       

      Now I Know Why God Never Sleeps

      Have you ever had a sick child? A sick friend? A sick parent? You check on them all the time whether they are awake or asleep. You comfort them, you make sure they eat and drink fluids. You may give them medicine to help with their symptoms. You prop up their pillows, sit beside them, hold their hand, take their temperature, and anything else to help them recover. And you don’t leave their side until they are well. You might sleep on the couch just to be close to them and be there. Right?

      Now I know why God never sleeps…

      He has way too many kids!

      Source: http://tearsinabottle.wordpress.com
      Source: http://tearsinabottle.wordpress.com

      Psalm 121

      A Song of Ascents.

      I will lift up my eyes to the hills [around Jerusalem, to sacred Mount Zion and Mount Moriah]—From whence shall my help come?
      My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
      He will not allow your foot to slip or to be moved; He Who keeps you will not slumber.
      Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
      The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand [the side not carrying a shield].
      The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.
      The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.

      The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

      Amplified Bible (AMP)
      Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation

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