Tag: Domestic Violence Awareness

I See the Scars

I ran into a girl the other day with scars on her arms. My heart dropped. I know what that feels like to have no hope. To take the pain that you are feeling out on yourself. To sit in the bathroom with the door locked  and just sit on the floor rocking back and forth. When we have been through unexplainable trauma that is how we cope.  But I am living proof that it doesn’t have to stay that way.

My life changed when I found a support system of friends and God. Yes, God. Reading the Word bring me hope. It opens my mind to the  fact that there is a God and He cares about me even when others do not.

Don’t give up my friend. There is hope. There is life, a life more abundant than you ever imagined. A life where there is no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt.  Have you met my friend Jesus?  He is faithful. He is true. He is peaceful. He brings hope and healing and protection under the shadow of his wings. And He is waiting for you to call out His name for help today. He stands at the door and knocks.  Will you let Him in?

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.  – REVELATION 3:20 nkjv

 

I See the Scars

Copyright 2016 Diana Rasmussen

girl

I see the scars upon your arms

My heart skipped a beat as I thought of what I could say

To take away the pain that brought you to that place

How I wish I could change the things that you’ve been through

I’m here today to sit and listen if you choose to share

I remember what it felt like

To be the girl with the scars

jesus-heals

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12 Steps to Keeping Your Sanity When You Are Sleeping With the Enemy

This is in honor for my friend going through a rough time. Stand strong my sister – you can do this. You are worth so much more.

Characteristics of psychopaths | The Tyranny of Psychopaths

“They lie, cheat, steal, and kill to get their way. For them, it is a practical matter.” How I wish someone had taught me these things before I started dating for the first time. Life was always a game with men like this and they would do anything to win. Lesson learned.

Spring Training #1-Exercising Our Faith-Honor Our Bodies

Spring Training. All the baseball teams gearing up for the game. Getting ready, letting go of what doesn’t work and training for the new season. I am in a period of transition. A period of spring training. I have had to acknowledge a few weaknesses and change my thoughts and attitudes to learn new habits. I am learning to build my strength both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Spring Training is a New Series I am writing to help us all refocus on our positive goals and exercise our faith.

Like the athletes we all have ‘muscles’ that we need to use or they atrophy. Muscles that have been in hibernation during the long cold winter. And our faith is the same way. It only gets exercised when we are using it. That means there will be trials,temptations and troubles we will get to go through – but they bring forth the GOLD of our faith.  Press on my friends, together we can do this!

SPRING TRAINING EXERCISE #1:

Learning to Honor Our Bodies

 Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received [as a Gift] from God? You are not your own,
You were bought with a price [purchased with a preciousness and paid for, made His own]. So then, honor God and bring glory to Him in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 AMP)

Taking Responsibility for Our Health

One of the hardest areas for me after a life of abuse is learning how to honor my body. When you have had innocence stolen from you and been raped you feel like trash. The enemy plants thoughts in your head that you deserved it and you will never be clean. And then add Abuser after Abuser who commanded you to do unholy things with your body and your relationship. Add those swine who sought out pornography and the evils it opens you up to. For many years I did not address or even talk about these things. I did not own my body. I let another use it and abuse it. I gave away my power and my self-respect to a pig.

I was married before and I wanted to please my husband so I did what he said. He was sick. I should have said no. It took me years to learn to say that word. Then I was in another relationship with a very sick man who was into the bondage scene (yeah, my own shades of grey nightmare). Let me say that just because a person has money does not mean they are healthy. Some of the ‘sickest’ people I matched up with had money and thought I was a piece of property and something they owned. I went from psycho to psycho as I didn’t believe I deserved any better. I had no boundaries and I thought I was trash. I had no idea who God said I was.

Some of the wisest advice I got from Grandma Pat, a beautiful woman who lived down the street from me. She used to come over singing these old hymns and just listen to me cry. I wouldn’t be here today if she had not taken the time to stop and come over and listen. She told me,

“You don’t have to dishonor God to please your husband.”

 

pearls-before-swine

That was the home run for me. I finally got it. I could choose to honor God first. What those men asked me to do and what I did was wrong. God knows what happened. And I had to ask God to forgive me, and then forgive myself for giving authority of my body over to a swine. Yes, I cast my pearls before swine. And they trampled all over them. Because that’s what pigs do.

I ended those relationships. And didn’t date anyone for over a year. I learned how to take care of me and take authority back over my body. I asked God to break all the soul-ties with the blood of Jesus. I asked the Holy Spirit to come into those dark rooms and bring the deep healing I needed. I met with a counselor for a time and learned that the rape was not my fault. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not asked to be abused. It wasn’t that way in the beginning. It happens over time. And it’s wrong. Not every husband/boyfriend honors his wife. I learned the hard way.

When I was on my own I had to learn how to ‘honor my body’ and choose to be well. I didn’t have to stay a victim. God promised to heal me and I chose to let Him. He turned my victim mentality into victorious. He gave me strength when I had none. He gave me hope when I was lost.

I had to learn what honor meant too. Words and actions like honor, cherish, love, treasure – they had no meaning to me after years of abuse. But honor meant I could say NO. I could make a new choice as to what I would accept for myself, and what I would reject. I had to learn what a healthy relationship looked like. And I had to learn what respect meant and how to respect myself after receiving disrespect from so many.

 

Ways to Honor Your Body:

 

1.  Accept that God made you perfect and stop the negative self-talk.

This negative self-talk led to destructive self-harm for me. I had to ask God to quiet the voices of the Enemy of my soul. And I had to read the Word and learn who God says I am. I had to give God’s Word more authority over me than my past, my hurts, my feelings, or my pain. I even hand wrote scripture verses on index cards and carried them around with me in my everyday life. This way when I heard a negative thing in my head or from some other person I would read and meditate on a verse of God’s Word. It works, really.  I honor my body when I believe what God says about me more than how I feel or what someone tells me or has told me.

 

2.  Start to eat healthier.

I admit it, I love junk food and pizza. And after being depressed for so long I ate what I wanted when I wanted it. Instead of taking things away the Holy Spirit has asked me to start adding healthy things – nuts, fruits, and vegetables to my diet. I don’t keep track, I am not a food Nazi. But I have to say that I feel better after adding these things. It is a process and I am glad He is teaching me how to honor my body this way.

 

3. Stop watching smut TV.

Yep. No more. I refuse to entertain the spirit of lust. I will not even watch mildly graphic shows, no soap operas, no dating shows, no let’s swap wives or Hollywood Housewives or anything. I turn them off. Lust leads to all sorts of bad things. I have seen so many people break up relationships or marriages after the spirit of lust moves in. What comes in through the eyes makes residence in our minds. Thoughts become actions. I have seen people throw away what they have to try something they see happen on tv or a movie. And it’s wrong. I choose to shut that door and not entertain the spirit of lust.  I honor my body by not even going there.

 

4. Start to exercise slowly.

I joined Planet Fitness with my teen daughter about a month ago. The first time I went I could only go 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. And with my past leg injury I didn’t even try the treadmill. Can I tell you after a month I don’t have to wear my leg brace anymore! I can go 20 minutes on the elliptical and have even used the treadmill. All from a girl that heard the Dr. tell me, “I hope this leg surgery works or you won’t walk again.” I honor my body by moving it and exercising it. My mood is better. I feel alive again and there is hope. It’s going to be a good season this year!

 

What about you?

How did you learn to ‘honor your body’?

 

Tune in next time for SPRING TRAINING – TAKING RESPONSIBILITY OF OUR MONEY

 

(Baseball with Heart image is available at puckettspond.com,

Pearl image from derricklphillips.wordpress.com)

Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I have not posted on this subject yet this month, but today I want to share a few entries from my journal.  Someone you know is most likely affected by Domestic Violence.  Last I heard DV affects 1/3 women and 1/6 men in the United States.  And I am sure these numbers go up in other places.

I have been in many abusive relationships. Not by choice. I didn’t want to live that way. But, thanks to God, I got the help I needed and my kids and I have been free from DV for about 10 years now.  Being as I have had more than one ‘psycho’ in my life, I will change the names and dates so they don’t start harassing me again.  This is one of the reasons I have not always shared. We do open ourselves up for more harassment if the Abuser finds out. But I want you to know the sheer terror and fear a victim lives with every day.  And it does get worse when we leave, trust me.

One of the things the Police, Lawyers, and Advocates taught me early on was to keep a journal of every abusive thing that happens.  We often have to prove in court that the pattern of Abuse has happened over a period of time.  I have also shared these with Guardian-at-litum – the attorny that was appointed for the kids when I was getting divorced.  It helped me receive FULL custody and FULL placement of my kids.  And it reminds me, of the truth.  Denial is powerful. And so is learned helplessness. Thank you Lord, for deliverance from violent and evil men!

For my protection I will name the Abuser “Joe”, but in my journal I used his real name. These are just a few entries…

 

Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim

  • ” I can’t believe how nice Joe is being after this fight.  Take a step back Diana. Remember how nice Delilah was to Samson before she handed him over to be killed?  Don’t believe it. It is not true.  The spirit is not dumb.  Don’t go there, not now, it is not the right time.  The proof is in the pudding”

  • “Joe’s anger is not the issue.  He is angry and abusive to any woman.  It is the Spirit of Anger that drives him. And Joe likes it that way.  But God will be your shield and buckler.”

  • “I can’t believe Joe came to church after I left him. And then he sits down right next to me.  God speaks to my spirit, “Let My works speak for themselves.” The Lord will be my Protector and my Defense.  And then Joe tried to touch me. In the spirit I felt him put his hands around my neck as he had done so many times.  I got up and walked away. God is my Defender and Protector – not you Joe.”

  • “Last night was prayer group. I was praying for my kids. While praying  I spoke against the spirit in Joe. It looked like an Octopus with arms everywhere.  I spoke against in Jesus Name and it crawled into  a corner.”

  • “I can’t believe I slept with the Enemy. And then I married him.”

  • “Don’t respond when the Demons rise.  Joe came to pick up the kids for his visit at my work. Comes over and says, ‘I love you D.’ Those are just empty words again.  I don’t respond.  So then he took my daughter J and went and cut her hair – really, really short. Joe knew I would not have approved. He chose to use her as a weapon against me, and she is only 6. That is not love.”

  • “Well, Joe screamed at me in the parking lot at my work – again. My friend Patty came out and asked if there was anything wrong and if I was ok. Joe kept screaming at me.”

  • “Joe came to drop off kids on the side of the building. (It was a grocery store – we always met in public places for drop offs and pick ups for safety reasons. My youngest was only 4 and still in a carseat). Joe pulled next to me and tried to carry my youngest child into my van. I told Joe he was not going in my van.  I buckled my child in and Joe traps me and the kids in my van. He stands in the sliding door and refuses to move.  Joe says his name is still on the van and he wants it back.  I get a picture in my head of an angry dog – yelling and screaming and barking all while it devours its prey. I backed up out of the van, using my body to force him back and away from the kids. Protect the kids Diana. I shut the sliding van door and got in the drivers seart.  I tried to roll up the window but I wasn’t fast enough. Joe held it down.  I started the car and started backing up – terrified.  Joe finally backed off, got in his car and squeeled his tires as he sped away.”

  • “No more Lord – I release Joe to You.  I took off my wedding ring today and put it in the garage. Deliver us Lord.  Joe called me 3 times that night.  I didn’t answer.”

  • “It’s 40 days since I left. I went back to the park and cried a pillar of tears. I wrestled with God and ‘buried’ Joe and our marriage. The Army used to kill Deserters.  It’s over.”

 

Psalm 35:1-9 (AMP)


Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me!

Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for my help!

Draw out also the spear and javelin and close up the way of those who pursue and persecute me. Say to me, I am your deliverance!

Let them be put to shame and dishonor who seek and require my life; let them be turned back and confounded who plan my hurt!

Let them be as chaff before the wind, with the Angel of the Lord driving them on!

Let their way be through dark and slippery places, with the Angel of the Lord pursuing and afflicting them.

For without cause they hid for me their net; a pit of destruction without cause they dug for my life.

Let destruction befall [my foe] unawares; let the net he hid for me catch him; let him fall into that very destruction.

Then I shall be joyful in the Lord; I shall rejoice in His deliverance.

 

 

You can learn more in my book SNOW WHITE DARKNESS 

available on Amazon, Kindle, and Google Play

In His Glass

Here is a song/poem I wrote about my life lately. Yes, we went to court – again. And no – deadbeat dad is still not paying child support. I know I am not the only one here who deals with this. And yes, God is good and He has made up for all things. But I have to admit, it get’s frustrating. The ex went to jail for 5 days after getting picked up for not wearing a seat belt. There was a $24,000 bond on his head at the time as he decided to blow off the last two court appearances. Judges don’t like that.

So, after 5 days and only one payment this year the Judge asked me what I thought. Yes, the ex has been working – a union job with great pay and benefits. And yet he still chose not to pay his child support. My answer? Well, not what you would think that’s for sure. Must be a God thing. I asked the Judge to show him MERCY and give him the opportunity to work. Yep, I did.

The Judge said ok then and let my ex free without paying anything. He gave him a 90 day stay – which means he has 90 days to do the right thing. We even lowered the amount to make it easier. And here we are a month later – no child support. Seriously? Join me in praying for the ex will you? Not that I want to, but God tells me I have to. “Pray for your enemies.” And “Vengeance is mine says the Lord, I will repay” And then there is the one about “show mercy as I have shown you mercy.” And I really think my kids would fall apart if their dad went back to jail for the 3rd time. Ugggh…

So here I sit. And here I write. And pour out my troubles before my God. Thank you all for your love, your support, and your prayers. You hold me up when I can’t stand it anymore. You see every single mom out there trying to make it without help is a WIDOW. Yes, they got left, despite all their good intentions, their promises, and their attempts to make things work. And every child of divorce is ORPHANED. They did not ask for it either. And it is not their fault.   You don’t have to move them in but could you help them out a bit? Why do we kick the people who are down and judge the wounded?

James 1_27Justice, what happened to Justice? Seriously, this whole child support system is broken. I think we should write some new laws for all the moms and kids out there who get left holding the bag – and all the bills. Deadbeat dads should not get to sit in jail with no bills, all their meals made for them and play cards all day. This is not working. How about some new laws for offenders? Let’s put the deadbeat dads to work on a farm or something, pay the moms so the kids can eat and keep the lights on, and let them work off their debt. Teach them how to work. Fix it, instead of giving them a place to run and hide from their responsibilities. Yes, people can change. But what is the incentive to do the right thing when you can get a free ‘jail-cation’?

My challenge to all of us this week – help a single mom. Money, gas, groceries, whatever. Just help someone with something. Pay it forward.

But then God surprises me. He sends someone. To stand alongside you when you are down. Not to kick you, but to help you up. I am grateful for the Samaritans that God has placed in my life and my husband’s life. Thanks Jeff – you show me what God’s love looks like. We all need help. Will you reach down and help another man/woman/child up this week?

In His Glass

Copyright 2014 Diana Rasmussen

Mommy needed a break
she had to get away
they left their house
her perfect family up in flames
Like a broken mirror
it’s shattered glass

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

Lawbreaker, rebel
Daddy’s refusing to change
Refusing to pay
cops took him away
They see him Saturdays
touch him through the glass

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

Daddy kept drowning his sorrows
Drinking his tomorrows
“Cheers!” he raises his glass,
Says, “just one more round”
will he ever turn around?

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

(all images from Pinterest)

Love is Messy-deliverance from self-hatred

Love is messy. It’s not for the faint at heart that’s for sure. And it’s not for the fault finders either. We are all still human and how we respond to someone’s mistake or weakness shows others how soft or how hard our heart is. As a parent I am still learning and growing.  I make mistakes. And so do my kids. But I am learning to give them and me the same grace I give others.  It’s so funny, I have bent over backwards helping others, yet I confess, I am not always the best mom. I am not always present in the moment.  I mean, I try, but sometimes I get sidetracked, or take a wrong turn, or just check out.  How about you?

So, this new year I have decided I need to give my family the same love and grace I give to a stranger. I am going to treat myself and my body with a new found love.  No, I am not going new-age on you here. But I have to confess, once a girl is raped and abused – we see ourselves differently. We think we are dirty and trash.  And this spirit of self-loathing sets in. Self-hatred. Destruction. Kill, steal, destroy yourself and your body.  Those thoughts are not from God, and they are not healthy.  They are a lie that the enemy has planted in my soul. And they are not true. It’s time to close this door.

How do you know if you have let this spirit live inside you?  I came across an interesting Bible Study:

THE ANTI-SELF BONDAGES.

Here the Author shares about the anti-self bondages with reference to mental illness and health problems:

 

Henry Wright, who I consider highly knowledgeable and gifted in the area of physical and emotional healing, considers anti-self (self-unforgiveness, self-resentment, self-hate, self-rejection, etc.) issues as one of the major sources of many physical and mental health problems.

Now of course, we’re not saying that Satan and evil spirits don’t run rapid in witchcraft, Satanism, and so forth, but do you know why people get involved in many of those things? Rejection, for example, is one of the main forces that push our youth right into Satanism. Rebellion and insecurity are among the forces that push people into witchcraft (power and manipulation, control, etc.). If you take away the doorways (rejection, insecurity, rebellion, self-hate, unforgiveness, and so forth), then I have to seriously question if Satanism, witchcraft and the ‘heavier’ things would even have a chance!

 

Today I cast off the enemies plans for myself and my body.  I accept God’s plans for me and my family.  All things work together for good, and God says He has thoughts and plans for me, for good and not for evil. And today, I am shutting the door to the enemy! No more self-hatred. No more self-loathing. No more destruction, in Jesus Name.2 Timothy 2

 

Now I do not know Henry Wright – I haven’t really heard anything about him. But I do know that this makes sense.  So I did a little more digging. In this video he says that 80% of all disease has a common problem – and that is lack of love.  It involves separation – separation from God. Especailly from God as Father.  I know I have not really known God as Father.  Lord, show me more…

I am taking back my life. I confess, and I repent.

Self hatred is a DEAD WORK.

I have come to the knowledge of the Truth.

I have come to my senses.

And I know God will help me.

Are you ready to let go of self-hatred?

Jesus is Lord.

 

Here is a video I found:

 

 

I think I might have to get this book:

Cover of "A More Excellent Way : A Teachi...
Cover via Amazon

Stop Carrying Secrets-Amethyst Shards

This song came to me for a contest last year. It is a collaboration between a few musicians on Broadjam. Sometimes I use my gift of music to bring awareness to a situation that needs to be changed. This song talks about the secrets we carry around – like skeletons. 1 in 4 women are affected by domestic violence. Although she may not say it. She may be afraid to talk about it, I was. Because then it is REAL.

 

from www.bloglovin.com
from www.bloglovin.com

Amethyst Shards

©2013 Words by Diana Rasmussen
Music by Chameleon
Produced/Mixed/Mastered by Protilius Productions

 

She carries her secrets
around in a box
hides them in darkness
keeps them locked

Amethyst Shards
in the depths of her heart
rattling around
like skeletons

Amethyst shards
are falling down like
houses of cards

Shoves the box
under the bed
some things are not
meant to be said

Amethyst shards
in the depths of her heart
are falling down
like houses of cards

buries her memories
stuffs all her pain
hoping they’ll never
come up again

Amethyst Shards
in the depths of her heart
rattling around
like skeletons

Amethyst shards
are falling down like
houses of cards

love is the key that unlocks
Yes love is the key that unlocks

Amethyst Shards
in the depths of her heart
are falling down
Amethyst Shards
in the depths of her heart
are falling down

fragments of herself
locked in darkness

Amethyst shards
falling down like
houses of cards

 

 

Image Source: http://www.edytaandco.com/2013/03/interior-design-accessories-amethyst-gemstone-box/

Jezebels Are Androgynous Narcissists

Jezebels are Androgynous Narcissits – being both male or female – hermaphroditic.  This same spirit could live in a man just as much as it could live in a woman. It is not about being male or female.   So ignore the “he” or “she”  gender in the images below.

The Psychological Community calls them Narcissists.  

The Church Community calls them a Jezebel.

But I believe they are one and the same.  

Call them what you will.

It’s all about power and control.

 

According to Psychology Today here is the definition of a Narcissist:

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. Related Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic. Narcissism is a less extreme version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulativeness, selfishness, power motives, and vanity-a love of mirrors. Related personality traits include: Psychopathy, Machiavellianism.

 

 

And here is a Definition of the Jezebel Spirit from an Article by Discerning the Truth:

 

  • They gain power by diminishing others. It is causes them a rush “win” over someone. They manage to get in positions of authority, and are difficult to displace, once there.
  • They are controlling, manipulative, bossy.
  • They can either be war-like in their personalities, so that they are intimidating, or so sweet, timid, charming and charismatic, they are able to fool and recruit others to join them.
  • The spirit is critical of others, vicious to the point of blood thirsty as to reveal weaknesses.
  • They are never wrong in their own eyes; they are unable to apologize.
  • They recruit others to rally behind their charges against their victims. They act to persuade recruits, and do not give up this activity until the recruits are won over. If the potential recruits do not cooperate and accept their position they will grow angry.
  • They are by nature narcissistic. While they tend to be oversensitive, they have no concern for the feelings of others. They are not sympathetic about their victims, and tend to play the role of victim themselves, in order to gain sympathy. This way the real victim is left stranded, and opposed by others if they ask for help. Being the center of attention really pleases them.
  • They lie, and they believe their own lie. Avoiding the truth, or intentionally acting to withhold truth is part of a false picture presented to others.
  • Impulsive, disorganized, failure to plan ahead. Life is often chaotic and family in their care is in disarray.
  • The have a lack of remorse after hurting someone. They can justify the harm and remain smug about their victory.
  • They prove to be consistent irresponsibility, unpunctual, undependable. Will make rash promises, but cannot be trusted to fulfill.
  • They often express irritability, aggressiveness (open or subtle), and can be quick tempered.
  • This person is an “outlier” or non-conformist, they have their own ways.
  • Psychological counseling will not help, since they deny their condition.
  • They may claim religious sentiments, but are found very superficial in spiritual disciplines. Places emphasis on emotions over depth of condition.
  • These women tend to control their men with sex. And they pick passive men (Ahab’s) so they can dominate them.
  • They are usually married but often end up divorced. They may entertain affairs. If single, can be bisexual or promiscuous.

 

Jezebel Spirit

 

 

Kinda creepy huh? I found these images on Pinterest and I was struck with how it is the same. In my opinion – it’s all about power and control here.  Same as with Domestic Violence.  One person trying to use and abuse another.

Let us recognize the warning signs in all our relationships.

narcissist 3

 

We are not stupid.

We are not crazy.

That is just him/her trying to shift the blame and attention away from their bad behavior.

I had to ask myself, “Is this relationship healthy?”

I had to have someone I could trust to bounce my ideas off of. I saw a qualified Christian Counselor. It helped me make some life changing choices.  And today, I am grateful.

What about you? Do you need help?

Reach out today – you are not alone.

 

narcissist 5

 

 

 

I Told Myself This Would Never Happen Again

I told myself this would never happen again. After getting out of the last abusive relationship, I vowed to myself that I would never let someone treat me like that ever again.  And yet, not knowing how sick I was – the next relationship was more abusive than the last.  The stakes were higher, the abuse was deeper, and let’s just say there are a lot of sick folk out there.  I want to share this part of my story today.  I see other women going from man to man, from abuse to abuse, looking for the next Prince Charming.  And it hurts. It hurts to see it.  Because you know the price you paid to get out. And you don’t want to see another woman/girl hurt.

I wasn’t born stupid. Really. Intelligence has nothing to do with it.  I was deceived. I believed all the pretty little lies he said. I wanted a picture perfect marriage. I wanted the white picket fence.  Who doesn’t? I mean it’s not like you know the end from the beginning.  Hey if I knew then what I know now, my answer would have been, “NO way, not in a million years!”

After relationship upon relationship with Abusers I was forced to look in the mirror.  No I did not ask for it. No I did not want it, but lets face it – my ‘people’ radar was broken.  I was trusting people that were not safe. I was putting myself in a position to be hurt – again and again.  And I had to make a new choice. A choice to learn what a healthy relationship looked like, and admit that I wasn’t in one.  That hurt too.  What I thought I had was a lie.  The truth has a way of shining into the darkness and peeling away the lies I kept telling myself. Yeah, all the pretty little lies we tell ourselves – because we are afraid. And fearful. And have no friends, and no money by this point.

Lies I Told Myself While in an Abusive Relationship:

  • It will get better
  • He just had a bad day
  • He just needs a beer
  • I am really a screw-up
  • It’s all my fault
  • I wish I wasn’t so stupid
  • I should have…
  • You are lucky to have him, you could be alone
  • It’s not really that bad
  • Every husband hits his wife, right?
  • Nobody said it would be easy
  • Everybody fights like this
  • Maybe I could just jump off a bridge
  • You can’t get a divorce – God will hate you forever

 

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, get help today.  It really does not need to stay that way. As for me, I couldn’t do it alone.  I didn’t know how.  My first stop was the local YWCA and the Domestic Violence Center Advocate.  She listened as I shared my story. No judgement, no pointing fingers – she listened. And then I met a whole building full of other women who had been through the same thing.  Girl power. I was not alone. And me and the kids could be free. That was like a breath of fresh air right there!

 

 

 

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Learn the 8 by BeautyCares

 

Featured Image Source: Tumblr

 

 

 

 

A Messy Divorce with the Abuser

I thought I was done when the divorce was over. I thought that would be my ending and I would never have to see the Abuser again. Yeah right. Not if you have children together.  The story isn’t over when the Judge says “I grant the Judgement of Divorce.”  Yeah, that’s what they call it – a Judgement. Very strange. And you have to bring a certified copy of the marriage certificate too.  And witnesses. And if you can afford it, a lawyer.

I started out Pro-se, doing my own thing, as the Abuser said he would not contest it. Guess what? After filing all that paperwork and running  copies around for 6 months, we got to the hearing and he said, “I changed my mind, I am going to contest it.” I think he just liked to see me sweat.  So he got a lawyer, and then I had to get a lawyer, and of course then the kids get a lawyer.  What a mess.  It took like 2 years for my ordeal.

I remember they send you to a counselor first.  That was a joke.  At this point I had my own place with the kids and I had a restraining order against him.  And a journal full of all of the times he did not follow the order.  Guess Abusers don’t like following the rules. Truthfully, the Counselor kicked him out of the office.  He started berating me and yelling at me in front of him.

Here is a great article about what happens on D-Day. That’s what I called it. The day that things blew up!

The Divorce Hearing 

 

Life Lessons Learned in  Divorce Court

1.  Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you can prove it.

Can I tell you my first husband went and slept with my best friend at the time. All so she would not testify against him at our divorce hearing. Who I thought was a friend turned out to be an enemy. She testified against me. She was not my friend.  She tried to friend me on Facebook and I said no. Betrayal is betrayal.

Abusers isolate you from your friends and family. There may only be one or two people in your life who really know what is going on. The Abuser is a Predator. When you turn against him, he will turn against you. Expect it. He will go for “blood”.

 

2.  Judges don’t like drama.

Just because the Abuser lives and thrives on dram doesn’t men the Judge is going to believe it.  Most times there are NO witnesses for the Domestic Abuse. It really is your word against his. And he will have a team of witnesses against you. Expect it.

 

3.  He will lie.

This was a hard one for me. I thought I would tell the truth and the Abuser would too. But he doesn’t know what truth is. He will lie. Expect it. Be ready for it. The story he will spin will be another yarn you haven’t heard. The lies are never ending. It is what he does.  It is who he is.

 

4.  There will be an excuse.

The Abuser always has an excuse for his behavior. He does not see himself as responsible. There will be some down out long story as to why he did what he did. And it is a lie as well.

 

5.  It will always be someone else’s fault.

Abusers are experts at shifting the blame. They never take responsibility – for anything. It is always your fault. They will always point the finger. It is wht they do to hide.

 

6.  He will Always Use the Kids as Pawns.

Your children are play pieces in his master game. The are pawns in his eyes. He does not love them anymore than he doesn’t love you. He does not know what love is. He is a Narcissist. It is all about him. He will continue to use the children as pieces of a game – to get back at you. He will spoil them. He will buy them thing, just to play SuperDad. It is a lie. He is using them just like he used you. Don’t believe it.

Source: http://www.citifmonline.com/2014/04/04/four-ways-to-cope-with-divorce-without-going-numb/
Source: http://www.citifmonline.com/2014/04/04/four-ways-to-cope-with-divorce-without-going-numb/

 

And here is a song I wrote about divorce – guess I had to get the negative feelings out. It is a rather ‘sarcastic’ song, lol!  Click on the Title if you want to hear it…

 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER


© 2013 Diana Rasmussen

V1
There’s an empty box of Kleenex, she cries out in fear.
She stands in disbelief, realizing he’s not there.
20 years of marriage, flushed down the drain.
He met up with someone else, as she stands numb with pain.

CHORUS
No more Prince Charming, Snow White will not wake up.
Cinderella’s slipper is smashed, it’s a quarter to twelve.
Little Red Riding Hood got eaten by the wolf,
3 Little Pigs are homeless now, Goldilocks met her end.
Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale, Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale.

V2
Her tears flow freely as she’s trying to let go.
All her castles washed away, not the ending she had planned. 
Its lawyers and judges, contempt and child support.
Truth is stranger than fiction in never-never land.

Not my Circus, Not My Monkeys

Not my circus, not my monkeys. What do I mean by that? I don’t have to play. I don’t have to answer. I don’t have to pay the admission to join another person’s craziness.  I am not the Savior. It is not my job to fix them. Now that is freedom!

If you are living in the crazy room, I invite you to take a step back. I had to reclaim responsibility for my life and my choices. I gave my power away to the enemy of my soul for too long. No more. God gave it to me – not him! I had to “own” my life. I had to come to the realization that living in abuse was harmful – for me and my children. And I had to ask for help. The local DV shelter was my haven – and I finally got 30 days of rest.

I can’t tell you how peaceful it was – even living with 10-12 other moms and their kids. I finally had room to breathe. I finally had space to just be. And I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody. I got to choose my future. Go back for more of the same, or trust God and move forward without the Abuser. Thank you Lord for helping me get out of that circus!

Feeling trapped? Call for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Ask for help. Your story isn’t over yet!

“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been. ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Never let a man put his hands on you without your permission.”― Melda Beaty, Lime

“Now let’s move on to the subject of how a real man treats his wife. A real man doesn’t slap even a ten-dollar hooker around, if he’s got any self respect, much less hurt his own woman. Much less ten times over the mother of his kids. A real man busts his ass to feed his family, fights for them if he has to, dies for them if he has to. And he treats his wife with respect every day of his life, treats her like a queen – the queen of the home she makes for their children.” ― S.M. Stirling, Dies the Fire