Tag: divorce

My Rant About Keeping My Mouth Shut With the Ex

After this weekend I know the Holy Spirit is helping me, lol! I did NOT say the first thought that came to my head. Now it’s been 11 years since we divorced. And I got full custody of the two kids due to his history of domestic violence. Now you think after all that I would know better. Why do I believe anything that guy says? Ugghhhh.

My son wanted to go visit his dad over the holiday break. Not so easy since the ex took off to KY to hide from the police. There is a warrant out for his arrest in the state of WI for 10 plus years of not paying his child support. Yeah, welcome to my world.

So in my travels here’s a few thoughts going through my head and what I did about it.

  1. Maybe I should just call the cops and have him picked up. He’s guilty.
  2. He says he has no money but shows up in a brand new rental car every time. He still lies.
  3. He promised to give me money for half of the cost of the school ring for my son. Didn’t bring it. Another empty promise. 
  4. He promised my daughter shopping money for Black Friday. Then he takes my son out shopping and gets my daughter nothing. What a jerk. 
  5. He said to meet halfway (4+ hours one way) and then is late – both times. I had to keep driving to meet them.  Disrespectful.
  6. He looks like crap. I wonder if he’s back to using drugs? Not a great role model for the kids.
  7. He wants to do this all over again at Christmas. Are you freaking kidding me?

  

What I actually did say:

1. Yes, I will drive halfway. I know my son wants to see his dad.

2. Oh, running late? I’ll drive a bit further.

3. Nice car.

4. So what about Christmas?

Yeah, I know. I must have rocks in my head right? No, I think God helped me keep my mouth shut and put my son’s wants and needs above my own. My ex will always be his father-no matter what I think or what I feel. I don’t have to like it. I can’t change it. And I can’t change him – never could. 

Thank you Lord for helping me keep my mouth shut and not making a scene in front of my son. Thank you Holy Spirit for guarding my mouth!

  

 

Psalm 141:3 

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips. 

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In His Glass

Here is a song/poem I wrote about my life lately. Yes, we went to court – again. And no – deadbeat dad is still not paying child support. I know I am not the only one here who deals with this. And yes, God is good and He has made up for all things. But I have to admit, it get’s frustrating. The ex went to jail for 5 days after getting picked up for not wearing a seat belt. There was a $24,000 bond on his head at the time as he decided to blow off the last two court appearances. Judges don’t like that.

So, after 5 days and only one payment this year the Judge asked me what I thought. Yes, the ex has been working – a union job with great pay and benefits. And yet he still chose not to pay his child support. My answer? Well, not what you would think that’s for sure. Must be a God thing. I asked the Judge to show him MERCY and give him the opportunity to work. Yep, I did.

The Judge said ok then and let my ex free without paying anything. He gave him a 90 day stay – which means he has 90 days to do the right thing. We even lowered the amount to make it easier. And here we are a month later – no child support. Seriously? Join me in praying for the ex will you? Not that I want to, but God tells me I have to. “Pray for your enemies.” And “Vengeance is mine says the Lord, I will repay” And then there is the one about “show mercy as I have shown you mercy.” And I really think my kids would fall apart if their dad went back to jail for the 3rd time. Ugggh…

So here I sit. And here I write. And pour out my troubles before my God. Thank you all for your love, your support, and your prayers. You hold me up when I can’t stand it anymore. You see every single mom out there trying to make it without help is a WIDOW. Yes, they got left, despite all their good intentions, their promises, and their attempts to make things work. And every child of divorce is ORPHANED. They did not ask for it either. And it is not their fault.   You don’t have to move them in but could you help them out a bit? Why do we kick the people who are down and judge the wounded?

James 1_27Justice, what happened to Justice? Seriously, this whole child support system is broken. I think we should write some new laws for all the moms and kids out there who get left holding the bag – and all the bills. Deadbeat dads should not get to sit in jail with no bills, all their meals made for them and play cards all day. This is not working. How about some new laws for offenders? Let’s put the deadbeat dads to work on a farm or something, pay the moms so the kids can eat and keep the lights on, and let them work off their debt. Teach them how to work. Fix it, instead of giving them a place to run and hide from their responsibilities. Yes, people can change. But what is the incentive to do the right thing when you can get a free ‘jail-cation’?

My challenge to all of us this week – help a single mom. Money, gas, groceries, whatever. Just help someone with something. Pay it forward.

But then God surprises me. He sends someone. To stand alongside you when you are down. Not to kick you, but to help you up. I am grateful for the Samaritans that God has placed in my life and my husband’s life. Thanks Jeff – you show me what God’s love looks like. We all need help. Will you reach down and help another man/woman/child up this week?

In His Glass

Copyright 2014 Diana Rasmussen

Mommy needed a break
she had to get away
they left their house
her perfect family up in flames
Like a broken mirror
it’s shattered glass

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

Lawbreaker, rebel
Daddy’s refusing to change
Refusing to pay
cops took him away
They see him Saturdays
touch him through the glass

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

Daddy kept drowning his sorrows
Drinking his tomorrows
“Cheers!” he raises his glass,
Says, “just one more round”
will he ever turn around?

Every girl wants her daddy to be the hero
Every boy believes he’s Superman
As God collects their tears as prayers
He fills His glass

(all images from Pinterest)

A Messy Divorce with the Abuser

I thought I was done when the divorce was over. I thought that would be my ending and I would never have to see the Abuser again. Yeah right. Not if you have children together.  The story isn’t over when the Judge says “I grant the Judgement of Divorce.”  Yeah, that’s what they call it – a Judgement. Very strange. And you have to bring a certified copy of the marriage certificate too.  And witnesses. And if you can afford it, a lawyer.

I started out Pro-se, doing my own thing, as the Abuser said he would not contest it. Guess what? After filing all that paperwork and running  copies around for 6 months, we got to the hearing and he said, “I changed my mind, I am going to contest it.” I think he just liked to see me sweat.  So he got a lawyer, and then I had to get a lawyer, and of course then the kids get a lawyer.  What a mess.  It took like 2 years for my ordeal.

I remember they send you to a counselor first.  That was a joke.  At this point I had my own place with the kids and I had a restraining order against him.  And a journal full of all of the times he did not follow the order.  Guess Abusers don’t like following the rules. Truthfully, the Counselor kicked him out of the office.  He started berating me and yelling at me in front of him.

Here is a great article about what happens on D-Day. That’s what I called it. The day that things blew up!

The Divorce Hearing 

 

Life Lessons Learned in  Divorce Court

1.  Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you can prove it.

Can I tell you my first husband went and slept with my best friend at the time. All so she would not testify against him at our divorce hearing. Who I thought was a friend turned out to be an enemy. She testified against me. She was not my friend.  She tried to friend me on Facebook and I said no. Betrayal is betrayal.

Abusers isolate you from your friends and family. There may only be one or two people in your life who really know what is going on. The Abuser is a Predator. When you turn against him, he will turn against you. Expect it. He will go for “blood”.

 

2.  Judges don’t like drama.

Just because the Abuser lives and thrives on dram doesn’t men the Judge is going to believe it.  Most times there are NO witnesses for the Domestic Abuse. It really is your word against his. And he will have a team of witnesses against you. Expect it.

 

3.  He will lie.

This was a hard one for me. I thought I would tell the truth and the Abuser would too. But he doesn’t know what truth is. He will lie. Expect it. Be ready for it. The story he will spin will be another yarn you haven’t heard. The lies are never ending. It is what he does.  It is who he is.

 

4.  There will be an excuse.

The Abuser always has an excuse for his behavior. He does not see himself as responsible. There will be some down out long story as to why he did what he did. And it is a lie as well.

 

5.  It will always be someone else’s fault.

Abusers are experts at shifting the blame. They never take responsibility – for anything. It is always your fault. They will always point the finger. It is wht they do to hide.

 

6.  He will Always Use the Kids as Pawns.

Your children are play pieces in his master game. The are pawns in his eyes. He does not love them anymore than he doesn’t love you. He does not know what love is. He is a Narcissist. It is all about him. He will continue to use the children as pieces of a game – to get back at you. He will spoil them. He will buy them thing, just to play SuperDad. It is a lie. He is using them just like he used you. Don’t believe it.

Source: http://www.citifmonline.com/2014/04/04/four-ways-to-cope-with-divorce-without-going-numb/
Source: http://www.citifmonline.com/2014/04/04/four-ways-to-cope-with-divorce-without-going-numb/

 

And here is a song I wrote about divorce – guess I had to get the negative feelings out. It is a rather ‘sarcastic’ song, lol!  Click on the Title if you want to hear it…

 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER


© 2013 Diana Rasmussen

V1
There’s an empty box of Kleenex, she cries out in fear.
She stands in disbelief, realizing he’s not there.
20 years of marriage, flushed down the drain.
He met up with someone else, as she stands numb with pain.

CHORUS
No more Prince Charming, Snow White will not wake up.
Cinderella’s slipper is smashed, it’s a quarter to twelve.
Little Red Riding Hood got eaten by the wolf,
3 Little Pigs are homeless now, Goldilocks met her end.
Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale, Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale.

V2
Her tears flow freely as she’s trying to let go.
All her castles washed away, not the ending she had planned. 
Its lawyers and judges, contempt and child support.
Truth is stranger than fiction in never-never land.

Another New Car?

Another new car? Seriously? The ex pulls in the driveway with yet another car. That’s the third one I’ve seen in the last few weeks. Yes, he is in trouble with the law – again. And yet I am court ordered to let him see our two kids. Sometimes he shows up. Sometimes he cancels. And here is mom, the master Piece Picker-upper. Yeah. You know how that goes. He promises one thing. Then cancels. And we moms get to pick up the pieces. All while keeping our mouths shut, because in the kids eyes – he is the Hero. Doesn’t make sense at all does it? Yeah, making $24/hour for almost  year and still not paying any child support. Moving on

I have to believe in God and that He will make things right. Otherwise I would be back in the ‘I love me jacket’ and living in the ‘rubber room’ again. That wasn’t fun.  Well, good meds – I’ll give them that.  But skip the Seroquel – it makes me drool!  Oh the things you learn along the way on this journey. Laugh or cry – seriously.

So I sit. And I wait. And I make the choice to choose to believe that God really does know the ‘bigger picture’ and I may not. My parents divorced. I know what it is like – to love them both in different places. To be caught in the middle. (see Second Fiddle)

I am in a much better place. God rewrote my story…and I am grateful. I know love today. God restored my soul!

Second Fiddle

DAILY POST: FRAME OF MIND

If you could paint your current mood onto canvas, what would that mood look like? What would it depict?

Second Fiddle

Song Description
Living as a child with divorced parents is not always easy – especially when they both come to watch you play at a sporting event and sit on opposite sides.  I have been the parent, and I have been the kid in this situation.

SECOND FIDDLE 

©2014 Diana Rasmussen

Like a rope pulled back and forth in a tug of war
Like a soccer ball bounced from head to toe
Like the fly away ball in a baseball game
His perfect family is up in flames

He hangs on believing things will change
He is only one play away
He’s caught in the middle
Playing second fiddle

Like a chess pawn sacrificed for the King and Queen
Like a quarterback sacked on the play
Like a basketball in a zone defense
He’s double teamed or else he’s benched

He hangs on believing things will change
He is only one play away
He’s caught in the middle
Playing second fiddle

Back and forth, back and forth
zero to love, zero to love

He’s caught in the middle
Playing second fiddle
Oh he’s caught in the middle
Playing second fiddle

He hangs on believing things will change
He is only one play away
He’s caught in the middle
Playing second fiddle

Song Length
2:59
Genres
Folk – Bluegrass, Country – Honky Tonk
Tempo / Feel
Medium Fast (131 – 150)
Lead Vocal
Female Vocal
Subject Matter
Divorce, Fight

Similar Artists
Alison Krauss, Taylor Swift
Era: 2000 and later
Lyric Credits Diana Rasmussen
Music Credits Diana Rasmussen
Publisher Credits InnovativeTeks
Performance Credits Diana Rasmussen

Peace of Mind at Last

You are always free to make a new choice. Just because you are in a bad situation does not mean it will not change. It will get better – but somethings just have to change.  I have been in bad relationships.  I have been lied to, hurt, cheated on – again and again.  Can I tell you something? IT’S NOT YOU – IT’S HIM.  I was faithful, he was not.  So once I found out – I had to decide. What do I do with this information?

I lied to myself for years.  Pretended it didn’t happen. Until it kept happening again and again.  They call it denial.  As long as I was denying things – nothing changed.  And my silence did not motivate my ex to change.  He just kept doing it.

So I tried the ‘fight’ thing.  But just be ready – especially if you are living in Domestic Violence.  Confronting the Abuser with anything is like lighting the wick on a bomb.  It gets worse.  And it did.

I finally got the courage to leave – and say NO – YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME ANYMORE! I don’t care what you do with your life – but I am not going to be part of your sick cheating self anymore!   No, I couldn’t change him. But I could change me.  And an unfaithful husband is no husband at all.  I thought I had a marriage – but he didn’t.  I though he was faithful – but he wasn’t.  I thought he wanted a great family life – but he didn’t.  I though he wanted to grow old together – but he didn’t.

My silence was like saying I was ‘ok’ with it – and I was not.

I had to quit lying to myself and make a new choice.

Even if it meant leaving everything.

I wrote a blog post a while back about how a woman finally has enough and leaves the abuser. Enough is enough sometimes. And even though when I and the kids left we lost everything – our house – our stuff – the kids toys – our clothes – our books – our music – etc., it was worth it. That was over 10 years ago. And I can say, God has restored us – in more ways than one!

My friend tmv took my original poem, HYPNOTIZED and made it into a song.  (I also spoke about the insanity of living in abuse with my poem A HANDFUL OF SAND).  I wrote about t here – she has an amazing story of God’s redemption as well. TMV is a 911 survivor who uses her gift to give God praise!  You can read more about here here – WHEN GOD IS EVERYTHING. This is her latest song.

 

 

Peace of Mind

©2014 Words and Music by tmv and Diana Rasmussen
Engineered/Mixed/Mastered by Scott Smith of SAS Recording and Marc Frigo of Frigo Recording

How she’d look up to him
With stars in her eyes
She was so mesmerized
His blue eyes just hypnotized her
She chose to ignore the signs
preferring to adore him

Each time when they’d go out
She’d dress up to look just right
Always dressing to appease
Her job was to keep the peace
But it all began to feel wrong
As he strung her along

She lives with Insanity
Prisoner of depravity
But to end her abuse
Only she can choose

Willpower looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
She could be free and have
Her peace of mind at last
He always criticized her
Found ways to minimize her
No matter what her move
Hed find ways to disapprove
No matter how hard she tried
He always justified it

She lives with Insanity
Prisoner of depravity
But to end her abuse
Only she can choose

Willpower looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
She could be free and have
Her peace of mind at last
Friends kept trying to help her to escape from his hell
That last blackend eye, Became her rebel yell

She Stopped his insanity
No more depravity
Only she could choose
To end her abuse

Her future looks so bright
Away from all of his fright
Now she’ll be free…
She can finally breathe…
She has…
Her peace of mind, at last
Her peace of mind at last

 

 

Second Fiddle – NaPoWriMo Day 14

But those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

 they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

fiddling
fiddling (Photo credit: Barbara.K)

Second Fiddle

©2014 Diana Rasmussen

Like a rope pulled back and forth in a tug of war
Like a soccer ball bounced from head to toe
Like a flyaway foul ball in a baseball game
His perfect family’s up in flames

He’s caught in the middle
playing second fiddle

Like a chess pawn sacrificed for the King and Queen
Like a hail mary pass thrown to the end zone
Like a basketball player in a zone defense
He’s double teamed, tackled, or  he’s benched

He’s caught in the middle
playing second fiddle

His folks are sitting on
opposite sides of the fence
all while he tries not to take sides

He’s caught in the middle
playing second fiddle

Life is messy
Just don’t quit
God is greater

Web of Lies

Image

Web of Lies

Copyright 2013 Diana Rasmussen
Like a spider weaving a web,
one lie built upon another,
All fashioned into your master plan
To deceive and kill another.
*
Smooth talk till I fold,
And follow you home.
But your venom you spew,
Waiting for the kill.
*
Does it run in your blood
To betray ones you love?
When you violate my home,
It’s personal.

I heard Tom Selleck say the quote above on Blue Bloods.  It was one of those things that hit me right away. Yep, an “aha” moment.  It made me recall all the lies I believed when I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship.  Denial is a powerful force. For many years I “knew” things were not right; but to admit it in the open meant I would have to make a new choice.  It meant I would have to stop giving my life and my power to someone else.  I had to choose to take my life back. Thank you Lord, for the truth, even though it hurt.

Happily Ever After?

This song is in response to the Daily Post: Fantasy

The Tooth Fairy (or Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus . . .) : a fun and harmless fiction, or a pointless justification for lying to children?

Many of you have read yesterdays post My Everyday Life – plus Court.  It sort of inspired a song/poem.  Sitting in the courtroom I could not believe all the women that are in the same boat.  Lots of moms are doing the best they can without receiving any financial help from the other parent.

Dear Lord, please provide for all of these moms with kids who are not receiving their child support!  And give them a better ending to their life story as only You can. Restore to them all the monies due them so they may spoil their kids rotten  – well, you know what I mean!

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

© 2013 Diana Rasmussen

V1
There’s an empty box of Kleenex, she cries out in fear.
She stands in disbelief, realizing he’s not there.
20 years of marriage, flushed down the drain.
He met up with someone else, as she stands numb with pain.

CHORUS
No more Prince Charming, Snow White will not wake up.
Cinderella’s slipper is smashed, it’s a quarter to twelve.
Little Red Riding Hood got eaten by the wolf,
3 Little Pigs are homeless now, Goldilocks met her end.
Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale, Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale.

V2
Her tears flow freely as she’s trying to let go.
All her castles washed away, not the ending she had planned.
Its lawyers and judges, contempt and child support.
Truth is stranger than fiction in never-never land.

REPEAT CHORUS X2

GOD’S PROMISE TO YOU

 And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

 

Then Abraham looked up and glanced around, and behold, behind him was a ram caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up for a burnt offering and an ascending sacrifice instead of his son!
So Abraham called the name of that place The Lord Will Provide. And it is said to this day, On the mount of the Lord it will be provided. (Genesis 22:13-14 AMP)

You Said You Loved Me – I Guess You Lied

broken heart

OK, Valentines day is tomorrow.  The Hallmark Holiday that reminds all of us who have been heartbroken that we got lied to.  Thanks.  So glad we get to celebrate that one!

Anyway, this post is only for those who have a sense of humor, and are not afraid of the truth.  If you want to keep your pretty little vision of Valentine’s Day and little red hearts then stop reading here. I can attest that love doesn’t grow on trees.

Some of us have been lied to. Some of us have been betrayed – by people who SAID they loved us.  So, this post is raw feelings unleashed.  Take what you like and leave the rest.

BE-TRAY (be·trayed, be·tray·ing, be·trays)

* To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against: betray one’s country.
* To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the Romans.
* To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause; betray one’s better nature.
* To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a secret.
* To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh betrayed her contempt for the idea.
* To reveal against one’s desire or will.
* To lead astray; deceive. 

Synonyms: Judas kiss, deception, dishonesty, double-crossing, double-dealing, duplicity, falseness, giveaway, let-down, perfidy, sellout, treachery, treason, trickery, unfaithfulness

also Deception = misleading; being dishonest

and Desertion = abandonment

b heart 6Why did I say all that?  To expose the enemy. If it’s one thing I have learned in my journey to wellness, is that you cannot believe everything that a person tells you. I was just looking for love, and commitment, and honesty.They said they loved me.  Their actions proved that was a lie.  I was so naive…I bought into so many lies. And I paid the price for it. Sleeping with the enemy leaves you empty, hollow, angry, afraid, depressed and suicidal.

Yes, I have been deceived, lied to, betrayed, and abandoned.  And I know I am not alone. There are a lot of “pretty people” sitting in the pews on Sunday who are hiding things. Some will talk about it, and share their journey, others will not. 

So I guess today, I needed to share what love is NOT. “You are only as sick as your secrets”, is what I heard once – so true. In celebration of Valentine’s Day, here is a song/poem I wrote. I haven’t recorded it – I’m afraid my kids would shoot me!

ITS A GOOD DAY  (COUNTRY VERSION)

CHORUS

It’s a good day to shoot my ex,

I have a 12-gage shotgun in the bed of my truck.

I’m tired of waitin’ for my child support check,

I’m gonna pretend he’s a 12 point buck.

V1

He’s paradin’ around town with his new girlfriend,

feedin,her the same lies over again.

He’s spendin’ her money like its goin’ out of style,

Honey, he ain’t paid the old bills yet.

REPEAT CHORUS

V2

He comes to the kids games – pretends everything is alright,

But I’ve got the red cross-hairs pointed at his face.

I’m tired of the bullshit, weary of the lies,

Yes, it’s a good day to shoot my ex.

REPEAT CHORUS X2

©2013 Diana Rasmussen

(Disclaimer: I do not recommend doing this, I have not, nor do I plan to do this.

“laugh or cry” is my motto!.)

And yes, I have forgiven my ex’s, past boyfriends, and my past “best” friends.  But forgiveness doesn’t mean that it was right – what happened was wrong.  It lead to me feeling only more worthless, useless, and empty. I had to give God the hate I had towards them or it would have consumed me.  I have ‘shaken the dust off of my feet” so to speak on that one.

Live and learn I guess. I survived. Yes, years of therapy, antidepressants, meetings, and lots of prayer.  I have to say that only my relationship with Jesus has taught me what love really looks like.  And I found His Words in the Bible.

I sure do give God a lot to work with…glad He’s a big God!  Thanks for ‘listening”…

b heart 7