Tag: victim

No Wonder I Felt Sick Living in Abuse

No wonder I felt sick while living in Abuse. The effects are way more than just what happens when the Abuser acts out their anger. It is physical. And it made me sick. It is more than just emotions. I read this today and it really helped me understand. I remember that last year I was living in abuse I had all sorts of things going on physically. I ended up with weird medical things like Shingles – twice. And a month later Viral Meningitis. I would not wish that one on anyone. And then the girl problems…Ugggh.

This article says women living in abuse have THREE TIMES MORE problems with reproductive issues. And 48% more chance of being diagnosed with Depression – yep. Been there, done that. The scariest part for me was:

Abused women are 70 percent more likely to have heart disease,

80 percent more likely to experience a stroke

and 60 percent more likely to develop asthma than women who have not experienced abuse;

No wonder I was so sick!  If you are having physical problems with your health – see someone today.  Take the first step.  Domestic violence eats away at your body and your soul.  Break the silence and get help today.

Health Survey of Domestic Violence Survivors Finds Major Unmet Health Needs (via PR Newswire)

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New law targets repeat abusers

Finally a Representative willing to take a stand against Domestic Violence and repeat offenders. A new law was passed in IL. Yes, repeat your offense and go to jail. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200! Thank you to Representative Emily McAsey from Illinois!

I remember how frustrating it was when I had to call the police again and again through the years of an abusive relationship. Yes, the police would ask him to leave. Then I had to go and file the restraining order. Then I would call when he came back and broke the “no contact” rule. He always did. Then he goes back to jail for a day or two. Yeah, that was it. Gives him just enough time to plan the next attack. And he gets out, and comes home – again. And the cycle starts again. Give it a month, a week, a day or two and it starts all over again.

But today I learned there is a new law in IL that will help increase the consequences for repeat offenders. Hallelujah! I pray this law goes national, and worldwide!

Amends the Criminal Code of 2012. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 4 felony if the defendant has one or 2 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 3 felony if the defendant had 3 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 2 felony if the defendant had 4 or more prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery.
(source: http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/)

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers (via Romeoville Patch)

“This law will help protect victims in our community and serve as a deterrent to future domestic abuse,” says state Rep. Emily McAsey. Received from the Office of State Representative Emily McAsey: Legislation sponsored by state Rep. Emily McAsey to…

Continue reading “New law targets repeat abusers”

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser

I remember a story my mom always used to tell me.  She said,” Diana, how do you boil a frog?” I said, ” I don’t know.” She said, “A little at a time.”

frog

You see when we put the frog in the water it was cold water. It wasn’t hot, no reason to jump out.  That’s what an abusive relationship starts out as – a cold pot of water. Then, after a time, the abuser lights the stove.  His behavior starts to change.  This may be accentuated with alcohol or drugs. Then the water starts to boil, as his actions become more and more controlling.  First he doesn’t want you to see your friends. Then he cuts you off from the family for some reason or another.  Then he won’t let you work.  Then he takes away the car, and the money.  And the water is so hot by then you can’t even imagine getting out.  So you don’t even try.

By this time, you are afraid when the sun goes down. You are constantly on edge trying to please “His Highness”. Anything to avoid a fight.  Especially when you have small children.  He says he wants the house clean and dinner ready by the time he gets home.  So you do exactly as you are told.  You tell yourself to “be the good wife” and not rock the boat.  You pick up after the kids all day, have the house clean, and a great dinner – but then he doesn’t come home. Until after 2am.  You pace around all night, scream at the kids because you are so angry, and finally get them to sleep.  You try calling his phone – but he turns it off.  So you wait.  Your whole world revolves around what he does and how you can please him.  He has become your God.  You would do anything for him.  As he walks all over you and squashes you like a bug.

Welcome to Abusive Relationship Training 101  This is not normal.  This is not healthy.  This is not a pattern you want to teach your children.  Real love doesn’t look like this.

Here are some ideas on how to start to change YOUR MIND.  What HE does is not the focus of this article.

We cannot control what the Abuser does,

but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT!

worship (verb)

  1.  to honor or respect (someone or something) as a god
  2. to show respect and love for God or for a god especially by praying, having religious services, etc.
  3. to love or honor (someone or something) very much or too much

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/worship

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser:

1.  Admit that you have put him on a pedestal

Yes, we did. We think we are trying to keep the peace, but in all reality there is no peace.  A relationship like this thrives on chaos and confusion.  The fights become more frequent and more intense as the relationship goes on.  The first step in changing this picture is to stop worshipping the ground he walks on.  He is not God.

This may be difficult as many victims have an idealized picture of what the relationship looks like.  Victims tend to idolize the “honeymoon phase” and ignore the “big blow out” phase.  We lie to ourselves.  If we told ourselves the truth, then we would have to DO something. This was one of the hardest things for me.  I knew how to live as the victim.  If I stayed the victim, then in my mind,  I always had someone to blame.

Taking back my thoughts was step one of my healing.  I didn’t have to worship him.  It was not my job to change him.  He was not who I thought he was, and that was the truth.  And I was not myself either.

2. Admit that even though he thinks he is GOD, he is not.

Another step to healing was to admit to myself that my thoughts could be different from his.  And I didn’t have to prove them to anyone.  I have my own thoughts and feelings. God gave them to ME when He made me.  The Abuser was great at telling me how I should feel, what I should look like, what I should do.  I gave my power away.  I gave my thoughts and dreams away to him.

No more.  I gave myself permission to think differently. Just because he said something, didn’t mean it was true.  I  gave myself permission to seek out my own truth, and ‘own’ my own feelings.  And I didn’t even have to tell him.  Talk about freedom!

One of the things I learned to say after years of therapy/spiritual counsel was, “I am sorry YOU feel that way.”  That helped me divide my feelings from that of my abuser.  It was liberating, it was awesome, and he hated it.  Be prepared at this point for the fights to increase.  Any sign of ‘unsubmission’ may irritate the abuser more.  Be prepared to walk away.  Have an action plan, and a safe house to go to at this stage.

3. Develop your own Spiritual Plan of Action and Worship

The last step that I did to de-throne the “king” was to develop healthy relationships with other people.  I chose to go to therapy and seek Spiritual Counsel.  I asked the abuser to go with me.  He did for a time, until he got thrown out of the office!  Yep, more than one counselor, and more than one time.  Then we started to go to church.  We would go together until we met with the Pastor.  I have had 3 different Pastors from 3 different churches tell me that I needed to leave.  That the abuser was not interested in change.  I left the abuser 7 different times in 8 years.  The last time was Oct 2004, and I haven’t gone back.  My kids and I got out, and with the help of the local YWCA Shelter, we started our new life.  I am not a frog, and neither are my children!

Now I am not a counselor, although I have been a patient.  I am not a Pastor, although I have been a follower for many years now. Having other people in my life that taught me about who GOD really was opened my eyes to who I had been worshipping all these years – the abuser!

Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org
Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org

(Featured Photo Source: nourishingpassions.com)

Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

It has been brought up again and again, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”  I wish there was an easy answer.  But it is different for each person.  That is why it is IMPERATIVE, in my opinion, that a victim seek professional help.  The Police get involved for a reason. There are counselors in place at every domestic violence shelter that I have ever been to.  There are professional counselors that will help lead a person out of bondage.  Even our regular MD Doctors ask us every visit, ” Do you feel safe at home?”  There are Pastors that can help someone get the help they need. I had to tell someone, anyone, what was going on. BREAKING THE SILENCE was  step one for me to get out alive.  I didn’t have to dump everything, I just had to say something…

Ok, you asked. Here are the statistics along with my source.

We don’t leave right away because we fear for our lives.
We have been told again and again that if we do we will be killed,
and so will our children…and many die trying.
Terrorism – in your own house, that’s what it’s like….
and here is a .pdf with

50 OBSTACLES TO LEAVING a.k.a. WHY ABUSE VICTIMS STAY

http://www.vcpionline.org/pdfs/50%20Reasons%20Why%20Victims%20Stay.pdf
From: joannewellington.wordpress.com
From: joannewellington.wordpress.com

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS

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One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.
*
Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
*
A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
*
About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
*
 Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
*
Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.
*
Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.
*
Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
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On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
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Intimate partner violence a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
*On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
*
Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.
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Yep, IT’S LIKE TERRORISM.  so why do people blame the victim?