Tag: abusive relationship

Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I have not posted on this subject yet this month, but today I want to share a few entries from my journal.  Someone you know is most likely affected by Domestic Violence.  Last I heard DV affects 1/3 women and 1/6 men in the United States.  And I am sure these numbers go up in other places.

I have been in many abusive relationships. Not by choice. I didn’t want to live that way. But, thanks to God, I got the help I needed and my kids and I have been free from DV for about 10 years now.  Being as I have had more than one ‘psycho’ in my life, I will change the names and dates so they don’t start harassing me again.  This is one of the reasons I have not always shared. We do open ourselves up for more harassment if the Abuser finds out. But I want you to know the sheer terror and fear a victim lives with every day.  And it does get worse when we leave, trust me.

One of the things the Police, Lawyers, and Advocates taught me early on was to keep a journal of every abusive thing that happens.  We often have to prove in court that the pattern of Abuse has happened over a period of time.  I have also shared these with Guardian-at-litum – the attorny that was appointed for the kids when I was getting divorced.  It helped me receive FULL custody and FULL placement of my kids.  And it reminds me, of the truth.  Denial is powerful. And so is learned helplessness. Thank you Lord, for deliverance from violent and evil men!

For my protection I will name the Abuser “Joe”, but in my journal I used his real name. These are just a few entries…

 

Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim

  • ” I can’t believe how nice Joe is being after this fight.  Take a step back Diana. Remember how nice Delilah was to Samson before she handed him over to be killed?  Don’t believe it. It is not true.  The spirit is not dumb.  Don’t go there, not now, it is not the right time.  The proof is in the pudding”

  • “Joe’s anger is not the issue.  He is angry and abusive to any woman.  It is the Spirit of Anger that drives him. And Joe likes it that way.  But God will be your shield and buckler.”

  • “I can’t believe Joe came to church after I left him. And then he sits down right next to me.  God speaks to my spirit, “Let My works speak for themselves.” The Lord will be my Protector and my Defense.  And then Joe tried to touch me. In the spirit I felt him put his hands around my neck as he had done so many times.  I got up and walked away. God is my Defender and Protector – not you Joe.”

  • “Last night was prayer group. I was praying for my kids. While praying  I spoke against the spirit in Joe. It looked like an Octopus with arms everywhere.  I spoke against in Jesus Name and it crawled into  a corner.”

  • “I can’t believe I slept with the Enemy. And then I married him.”

  • “Don’t respond when the Demons rise.  Joe came to pick up the kids for his visit at my work. Comes over and says, ‘I love you D.’ Those are just empty words again.  I don’t respond.  So then he took my daughter J and went and cut her hair – really, really short. Joe knew I would not have approved. He chose to use her as a weapon against me, and she is only 6. That is not love.”

  • “Well, Joe screamed at me in the parking lot at my work – again. My friend Patty came out and asked if there was anything wrong and if I was ok. Joe kept screaming at me.”

  • “Joe came to drop off kids on the side of the building. (It was a grocery store – we always met in public places for drop offs and pick ups for safety reasons. My youngest was only 4 and still in a carseat). Joe pulled next to me and tried to carry my youngest child into my van. I told Joe he was not going in my van.  I buckled my child in and Joe traps me and the kids in my van. He stands in the sliding door and refuses to move.  Joe says his name is still on the van and he wants it back.  I get a picture in my head of an angry dog – yelling and screaming and barking all while it devours its prey. I backed up out of the van, using my body to force him back and away from the kids. Protect the kids Diana. I shut the sliding van door and got in the drivers seart.  I tried to roll up the window but I wasn’t fast enough. Joe held it down.  I started the car and started backing up – terrified.  Joe finally backed off, got in his car and squeeled his tires as he sped away.”

  • “No more Lord – I release Joe to You.  I took off my wedding ring today and put it in the garage. Deliver us Lord.  Joe called me 3 times that night.  I didn’t answer.”

  • “It’s 40 days since I left. I went back to the park and cried a pillar of tears. I wrestled with God and ‘buried’ Joe and our marriage. The Army used to kill Deserters.  It’s over.”

 

Psalm 35:1-9 (AMP)


Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me!

Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for my help!

Draw out also the spear and javelin and close up the way of those who pursue and persecute me. Say to me, I am your deliverance!

Let them be put to shame and dishonor who seek and require my life; let them be turned back and confounded who plan my hurt!

Let them be as chaff before the wind, with the Angel of the Lord driving them on!

Let their way be through dark and slippery places, with the Angel of the Lord pursuing and afflicting them.

For without cause they hid for me their net; a pit of destruction without cause they dug for my life.

Let destruction befall [my foe] unawares; let the net he hid for me catch him; let him fall into that very destruction.

Then I shall be joyful in the Lord; I shall rejoice in His deliverance.

 

 

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Here is Your Sign – No Narcissists Allowed!

Here is your sign – No Narcissists Allowed!

What is a narcissist you ask? I wish I would have asked – years ago! Wow, that would have saved a lot of heartache.  I was married to one – well ok, two -before I found out what was really going on. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was losing my mind – seriously.  After all, they said I was crazy. They said I didn’t know anything. They said I couldn’t remember the truth…you know right?

Ok, so 2 divorces later here I am to share with you the “wisdom” I gleaned on the way. I’m sure you have some too – feel free to leave me a comment!

Guess what – we are not crazy!

They are! Hahahahahaha!

 

Seriously – NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a mental condition. And requires psychotherapy. All those years I spent in therapy thinking it was ALL my fault! Honestly, you have to laugh or cry!

According to the Mayo Clinic:

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

  • Believing that you’re better than others
  • Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
  • Exaggerating your achievements or talents
  • Expecting constant praise and admiration
  • Believing that you’re special and acting accordingly
  • Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
  • Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
  • Taking advantage of others
  • Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
  • Being jealous of others
  • Believing that others are jealous of you
  • Trouble keeping healthy relationships
  • Setting unrealistic goals
  • Being easily hurt and rejected
  • Having a fragile self-esteem
  • Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

 

 

More Signs of a Narcissit

1. It’s all about them. You don’t exist – except to listen to them brag about how important they are. They have very over-inflated egos. They are arrogant and prideful. Yes, they really do believe their s#*t does not stink!

2. Your feelings really don’t matter to them. You could talk until you are blue in the face and they still would not understand. And most of the time they really don’t care anyway.

3. They refuse to take responsibility for anything – ever. Even if they are caught red-handed. It is always somebody else’s fault for everything bad that happens to them.

4. They lie – a lot. They really have no sense of what is true and what is false. And their lies get bigger and more grandiose every time they tell the same story.

5.  They really do believe that they are superior and better than you. That’s why they take every opportunity to point out all of your flaws. They will cut you down and humiliate you in public just to make themselves feel better. Abusers are usually narcissistic.

6.  They really are two-faced.  In the beginning they are charming, and flattering. They entice you into their web of lies. And most people who don’t know them fall for it too. But behind closed doors the ‘snake’ comes out.

7.  They are vindictive.  They never forget who hurt them and will not miss an opportunity to retaliate. It might even be years later, yet they still hang onto anger and absolutely refuse to forgive anyone for anything. If you make them look bad ever, you will get clobbered.

8. They are masters at turning the tables. They will take something they are doing, and accuse you of the same thing. For ex. My ex was lying, so he accused me of lying. They will be having an affair, and then turn around and accuse you of having an affair. When they do something it is ok, but if you do it – you are wrong and stupid, and get humiliated.

And now, some perfect narcissist songs!

“I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME!”

“ITS ALL ABOUT YOU”

New law targets repeat abusers

Finally a Representative willing to take a stand against Domestic Violence and repeat offenders. A new law was passed in IL. Yes, repeat your offense and go to jail. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200! Thank you to Representative Emily McAsey from Illinois!

I remember how frustrating it was when I had to call the police again and again through the years of an abusive relationship. Yes, the police would ask him to leave. Then I had to go and file the restraining order. Then I would call when he came back and broke the “no contact” rule. He always did. Then he goes back to jail for a day or two. Yeah, that was it. Gives him just enough time to plan the next attack. And he gets out, and comes home – again. And the cycle starts again. Give it a month, a week, a day or two and it starts all over again.

But today I learned there is a new law in IL that will help increase the consequences for repeat offenders. Hallelujah! I pray this law goes national, and worldwide!

Amends the Criminal Code of 2012. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 4 felony if the defendant has one or 2 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 3 felony if the defendant had 3 prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery. Provides that domestic battery is a Class 2 felony if the defendant had 4 or more prior convictions under the Code for domestic battery.
(source: http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/)

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers

State Rep. McAsey: New Law Increases Penalties Against Repeat Domestic Abusers (via Romeoville Patch)

“This law will help protect victims in our community and serve as a deterrent to future domestic abuse,” says state Rep. Emily McAsey. Received from the Office of State Representative Emily McAsey: Legislation sponsored by state Rep. Emily McAsey to…


Continue reading “New law targets repeat abusers”

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser

I remember a story my mom always used to tell me.  She said,” Diana, how do you boil a frog?” I said, ” I don’t know.” She said, “A little at a time.”

You see when we put the frog in the water it was cold water. It wasn’t hot, no reason to jump out.  That’s what an abusive relationship starts out as – a cold pot of water. Then, after a time, the abuser lights the stove.  His behavior starts to change.  This may be accentuated with alcohol or drugs. Then the water starts to boil, as his actions become more and more controlling.  First he doesn’t want you to see your friends. Then he cuts you off from the family for some reason or another.  Then he won’t let you work.  Then he takes away the car, and the money.  And the water is so hot by then you can’t even imagine getting out.  So you don’t even try.

By this time, you are afraid when the sun goes down. You are constantly on edge trying to please “His Highness”. Anything to avoid a fight.  Especially when you have small children.  He says he wants the house clean and dinner ready by the time he gets home.  So you do exactly as you are told.  You tell yourself to “be the good wife” and not rock the boat.  You pick up after the kids all day, have the house clean, and a great dinner – but then he doesn’t come home. Until after 2am.  You pace around all night, scream at the kids because you are so angry, and finally get them to sleep.  You try calling his phone – but he turns it off.  So you wait.  Your whole world revolves around what he does and how you can please him.  He has become your God.  You would do anything for him.  As he walks all over you and squashes you like a bug.

Welcome to Abusive Relationship Training 101  This is not normal.  This is not healthy.  This is not a pattern you want to teach your children.  Real love doesn’t look like this.

Here are some ideas on how to start to change YOUR MIND.  What HE does is not the focus of this article.

We cannot control what the Abuser does,

but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT!

worship (verb)

  1.  to honor or respect (someone or something) as a god
  2. to show respect and love for God or for a god especially by praying, having religious services, etc.
  3. to love or honor (someone or something) very much or too much

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/worship

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser:

1.  Admit that you have put him on a pedestal

Yes, we did. We think we are trying to keep the peace, but in all reality there is no peace.  A relationship like this thrives on chaos and confusion.  The fights become more frequent and more intense as the relationship goes on.  The first step in changing this picture is to stop worshipping the ground he walks on.  He is not God.

This may be difficult as many victims have an idealized picture of what the relationship looks like.  Victims tend to idolize the “honeymoon phase” and ignore the “big blow out” phase.  We lie to ourselves.  If we told ourselves the truth, then we would have to DO something. This was one of the hardest things for me.  I knew how to live as the victim.  If I stayed the victim, then in my mind,  I always had someone to blame.

Taking back my thoughts was step one of my healing.  I didn’t have to worship him.  It was not my job to change him.  He was not who I thought he was, and that was the truth.  And I was not myself either.

2. Admit that even though he thinks he is GOD, he is not.

Another step to healing was to admit to myself that my thoughts could be different from his.  And I didn’t have to prove them to anyone.  I have my own thoughts and feelings. God gave them to ME when He made me.  The Abuser was great at telling me how I should feel, what I should look like, what I should do.  I gave my power away.  I gave my thoughts and dreams away to him.

No more.  I gave myself permission to think differently. Just because he said something, didn’t mean it was true.  I  gave myself permission to seek out my own truth, and ‘own’ my own feelings.  And I didn’t even have to tell him.  Talk about freedom!

One of the things I learned to say after years of therapy/spiritual counsel was, “I am sorry YOU feel that way.”  That helped me divide my feelings from that of my abuser.  It was liberating, it was awesome, and he hated it.  Be prepared at this point for the fights to increase.  Any sign of ‘unsubmission’ may irritate the abuser more.  Be prepared to walk away.  Have an action plan, and a safe house to go to at this stage.

3. Develop your own Spiritual Plan of Action and Worship

The last step that I did to de-throne the “king” was to develop healthy relationships with other people.  I chose to go to therapy and seek Spiritual Counsel.  I asked the abuser to go with me.  He did for a time, until he got thrown out of the office!  Yep, more than one counselor, and more than one time.  Then we started to go to church.  We would go together until we met with the Pastor.  I have had 3 different Pastors from 3 different churches tell me that I needed to leave.  That the abuser was not interested in change.  I left the abuser 7 different times in 8 years.  The last time was Oct 2004, and I haven’t gone back.  My kids and I got out, and with the help of the local YWCA Shelter, we started our new life.  I am not a frog, and neither are my children!

Now I am not a counselor, although I have been a patient.  I am not a Pastor, although I have been a follower for many years now. Having other people in my life that taught me about who GOD really was opened my eyes to who I had been worshipping all these years – the abuser!

Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org

(Featured Photo Source: nourishingpassions.com)