I was looking at old pictures the other day. Came accross the one I took after I left my ex and he smashed my window in my van. It wasn’t bad enough that he smashed it out, but he took the extra effort to bring some of the broken glass and put it right in front of my glass sliding door. Just so I would know he was there.
It’s been 10 years. I am so grateful that me and my kids are free and safe. I don’t miss the yelling, screaming, fighting, and violence. I treasure my peace today.
Want to see what it was like? Visit my link below and see some of my journal entries. Man, that was a lifetime ago. Thank you Lord for deliverance!
I ran into a girl the other day with scars on her arms. My heart dropped. I know what that feels like to have no hope. To take the pain that you are feeling out on yourself. To sit in the bathroom with the door locked and just sit on the floor rocking back and forth. When we have been through unexplainable trauma that is how we cope. But I am living proof that it doesn’t have to stay that way.
My life changed when I found a support system of friends and God. Yes, God. Reading the Word bring me hope. It opens my mind to the fact that there is a God and He cares about me even when others do not.
Don’t give up my friend. There is hope. There is life, a life more abundant than you ever imagined. A life where there is no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt. Have you met my friend Jesus? He is faithful. He is true. He is peaceful. He brings hope and healing and protection under the shadow of his wings. And He is waiting for you to call out His name for help today. He stands at the door and knocks. Will you let Him in?
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. – REVELATION 3:20 nkjv
I See the Scars
Copyright 2016 Diana Rasmussen
I see the scars upon your arms
My heart skipped a beat as I thought of what I could say
To take away the pain that brought you to that place
How I wish I could change the things that you’ve been through
I’m here today to sit and listen if you choose to share
Why can’t you trust your feelings? We live in a culture of I want what I want when I want it. And if it feels good do it – right? Well, that may be exactly what is wrong. Yes, feelings are important. But they change, moment by moment. And feelings may not be based on truth.
I have had a few new followers based on my posts on suicide and cutting. Yes, I have been delivered from these things. Thank you Jesus! But looking back, I realize how much I made my feelings my God. And if my thoughts were wrong – my feelings were wrong – and my actions were destructive.
For if our thoughts are erroneous, or based on false assumptions, the feelings tied to these thoughts are bound to be equally distorted—and hardly to be trusted.
The Fickleness of Feelings
Change over time
Are sometimes unreliable
May be based on old hurts
May betray you
May be based on false information
Now I am not saying we should be robots. But perhaps we should TEST the voices that we hear in our head. They are not all good. They are not all from God. I Know that when I was plagued with destructive thoughts I would replay the bad messages again and again in my head.
“You are no good”
“You deserve to die”
“Your family would be better off without you”
Now today I know that none of these things are true. They were lies from the Enemy of my Soul – the Devil, the Deceiver, and the Father of Lies. Yet in the past when I dwelt on these thoughts I ended up hurting myself.
My thoughts were not based on Truth. I believed the lies. And I was the one who suffered for it.
Even Dr. Dobson says our feelings should not always be trusted. According to Dr. Dobson:
We are told in 2 Corinthians 11:14 that the devil comes to us as “an angel of light,” which means he counterfeits the work of the Holy Spirit. This is why he is described in profoundly evil terms in the Bible, leaving little room for doubt as to his motives or nature. His character is presented as wicked, malignant, subtle, deceitful, fierce and cruel. He is depicted as a wolf, roaring lion and a serpent. Among the titles ascribed to Satan are these: “Murderer,” “Dragon,” “Old Serpent,” “Wicked One,” “Liar,” “Prince of Devils,” and more than 20 other names which describe a malicious and incomparably evil nature.
These scriptural descriptions of Satan are written for a purpose: we should recognize that the “Father of Lies” has earned his reputation at the expense of those he has damned! And there is no doubt in my mind that he often uses destructive impressions to implement his evil purposes.
Let us test our thoughts today. Let us take every thought captive. God does not want any of us to perish. I am praying for all my friends here battling destructive thoughts. Get help today. I had to. Just because I had a feeling doesn’t mean that it was true. Once my thoughts changed, my feelings changed, and my actions changed.
“They lie, cheat, steal, and kill to get their way. For them, it is a practical matter.” How I wish someone had taught me these things before I started dating for the first time. Life was always a game with men like this and they would do anything to win. Lesson learned.
Keeping your sanity – when you are sleeping with the enemy. Let me share a story. I came to the Lord during a time of crisis in my life. Isn’t that how it goes? Anyway, I was charmed by the ‘snake’ just like Eve in the garden. His talk was smooth, he was absolutely charming, but underneath he was a snake. I lived many years in Domestic Abuse and little did I know that this was the start of a very destructive relationship. And, it has happened to me more than once – more than one relationship.
The World calls him the Abuser,
the Doctors call him the Narcissist,
and the Church calls him the Jezebel Spirit.
It’s all about deception, and ultimately power and control.
And you my friend are the target if you fall for his lies.
Recently I got an email from a follower asking for action steps on how to keep your sanity in the middle of the mess. Thank you my friend for the inspiration. Here is my experience.
12 STEPS TO KEEPING YOUR SANITY
WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY
Accept the fact that you have been deceived. The dream was a nightmare. It was not what you thought, and that’s ok. The truth will set you free.
Ask God to help you and read His Word. Only the Truth will cut through the lies.
Ask God to reveal where you have been lied to. And get ready for tears as God shows you.
Once the Holy Spirit shows you, give yourself permission NOT to confront the Abuser/Narcissist/Enemy. You don’t have to prove yourself right. God is showing you, not him. And seriously, he doesn’t care – he doesn’t want to.
Start a journal. Write down what happens. Find a scripture verse to hold onto for the situation and write that down too. I had a tendency to forget what happened with living from crisis to crisis. Seeing it down on paper over time made it real for me.
Give yourself permission to NOT change him. It is not your job. And he probably doesn’t even want to change. He thinks he is right – all the time.
Give yourself some space and time. Not everything has to be decided today.
Seek out professional support. I had help from the Pastor, church friends, Counselors, and a few friends.
Start to reestablish your independence – quietly if you are still living in the same house. Start looking for a job, call someone, read a motivational book. Reignite the flame that he has blown out. You can do it.
Ask God to put a barrier between you and the Abuser/Narcissist/Enemy. Every time I saw the Abuser I pictured mirrors all around me. That way anything he said bounced right back to him.
If you are married, ask God for wisdom. God did not create you to be abused. Spiritual abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse are NOT what marriage is. I had to separate with my ex. And he still did not want to change. With his repeated unfaithfulness we eventually divorced. It was messy, yes, but today I live in peace.
Yes, pray for him. Whether he changes or not, it will free you. Forgiveness does not mean what he did was right, but it frees you from the baggage and allows God to deal with him. There is such freedom in letting go of trying to change him. Let go of the strings my friends, God will take it from here.
It has been said that as a man thinks he is in his heart, so he is. If you think you are a victim, and refuse to take a step forward, you might stay a victim. Overcoming this mentality has taken me years. After living in domestic violence for years I had given away all my power – to the Abuser. It didn’t happen all at once, it was a little at a time. I worshipped him. I did whatever he said, or else I had to “pay the price”. I thought he would change. I was wrong. He didn’t want to change. It was me that neede to change. I had allowed myself to remain in an unsafe situation for too long.
I had to learn a new way to think. My thinker was broken. This was the first step for me in becoming whole. In my “infinite wisdom” I sought out self-help books. I had a whole library! Years later, I had to admit that my self-help was no help. In fact I got even more depressed.
i went to counselor after counselor next. Yes, this helped, but it always keep me living in the past and rehashing everything. I wanted a future! This was not my answer either.
Then I tried the 12 step meetings. Now maybe your experience was different, but mine was a nightmare. I was so naive. I really believed everything people said. Needless to say, after another 10 years of my life passed me by and another failed marriage, I left. Not everyone that goes to those meetings wants to get well. Some want to stay sick and use the meetings to justify their bad behavior. Lesson learned.
It wasn’t until I learned about Jesus and who he truly was the things started to change for me. Reading the Word and memorizing verses literally renewed my mind. Really, it was the only way that I learned how to stand up for myself and my children and be strong.
Today I am no longer a victim. I am victorious in Christ. And I and my kids are free from living in violence. Yes, it took time. But it was worth it. And I am not the same person I used to be. I am not a doormat. I am blessed, and loved, and cherished, and precious – and so are you.
There is a way out if you are living in domestic violence. Take a step and tell someone what is really going on behind closed doors at your house. You are worth it, whether the Abuser thinks so or not. He’s a liar anyway, don’t believe the garbage that comes out of his mouth. God is faithful and true, and He will sing over you!
This is a poem that I turned into a song that describes what it is like to live in Domestic Violence. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men live like this everyday. And also a video that some of my friends did with CSpan about helping those living in abuse. Help us Lord to break the yoke of oppression in their lives and shine Your Light into their darkness, in Jesus Name.
She looks in the mirror, seems vaguely familiar
like steam on the glass, shame covers her past
the fog slithers down, as evil surrounds
His worst fantasy, her reality
he pulls the strings, does unspeakable things
a sadistic entrance, for his acceptance
smothered by control, a tormented soul
trapped in his castle
her tears rolling mist, proof she exists
in snow white darkness
clouds of confusion, rolled into illusion
He veils perversion, forcing her coercion
her body he takes, while she flies away
unbelievable, she’s invisible
love is the shadow, that darkens her window
she’s crying for help, to escape her hell
smothered by control, a tormented soul
trapped in his castle
her tears rolling mist, proof she exists
in snow white darkness
she hides in the fog, drinks hair of the dog
hates her behavior, craves one to save her
smothered by control, a tormented soul
trapped in his castle
her tears rolling mist, proof she exists
in snow white darkness
“Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; When you see the naked, that you cover him, And not hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ (Isaiah 58:6-9 NKJV)
This is also the title of my book – SNOW WHITE DARKNESS – Smothered by Control. It contains my journal entries from when I was living in abuse. Thank you Lord for deliverance for me and my children!
And here is the Album – available from GooglePlay. Thank you in advance for your love and support!
“And now for today’s prompt (optional, as always). Love poems are a staple of the poetry scene. It’s pretty hard to be a poet and not write a few – or a dozen – or maybe six books’ worth. But because so many love poems have been written, there are lots of clichés. Fill your poems with robins and hearts and flowers, and you’ll sound more like a greeting card than a bard. So today, I challenge you to write a “loveless” love poem. Don’t use the word love! And avoid the flowers and rainbows. And if you’re not in the mood for love? Well, the flip-side of the love poem – the break-up poem – is another staple of the poet’s repertoire. If that’s more your speed at present, try writing one of those, but again, avoid thunder, rain, and lines beginning with a plaintive “why”? Try to write a poem that expresses the feeling of love or lovelorn-ness without the traditional trappings you associate with the subject matter.”
Spring Training. All the baseball teams gearing up for the game. Getting ready, letting go of what doesn’t work and training for the new season. I am in a period of transition. A period of spring training. I have had to acknowledge a few weaknesses and change my thoughts and attitudes to learn new habits. I am learning to build my strength both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Spring Training is a New Series I am writing to help us all refocus on our positive goals and exercise our faith.
Like the athletes we all have ‘muscles’ that we need to use or they atrophy. Muscles that have been in hibernation during the long cold winter. And our faith is the same way. It only gets exercised when we are using it. That means there will be trials,temptations and troubles we will get to go through – but they bring forth the GOLD of our faith. Press on my friends, together we can do this!
SPRING TRAINING EXERCISE #1:
Learning to Honor Our Bodies
Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received [as a Gift] from God? You are not your own,
You were bought with a price [purchased with a preciousness and paid for, made His own]. So then, honor God and bring glory to Him in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 AMP)
Taking Responsibility for Our Health
One of the hardest areas for me after a life of abuse is learning how to honor my body. When you have had innocence stolen from you and been raped you feel like trash. The enemy plants thoughts in your head that you deserved it and you will never be clean. And then add Abuser after Abuser who commanded you to do unholy things with your body and your relationship. Add those swine who sought out pornography and the evils it opens you up to. For many years I did not address or even talk about these things. I did not own my body. I let another use it and abuse it. I gave away my power and my self-respect to a pig.
I was married before and I wanted to please my husband so I did what he said. He was sick. I should have said no. It took me years to learn to say that word. Then I was in another relationship with a very sick man who was into the bondage scene (yeah, my own shades of grey nightmare). Let me say that just because a person has money does not mean they are healthy. Some of the ‘sickest’ people I matched up with had money and thought I was a piece of property and something they owned. I went from psycho to psycho as I didn’t believe I deserved any better. I had no boundaries and I thought I was trash. I had no idea who God said I was.
Some of the wisest advice I got from Grandma Pat, a beautiful woman who lived down the street from me. She used to come over singing these old hymns and just listen to me cry. I wouldn’t be here today if she had not taken the time to stop and come over and listen. She told me,
“You don’t have to dishonor God to please your husband.”
That was the home run for me. I finally got it. I could choose to honor God first. What those men asked me to do and what I did was wrong. God knows what happened. And I had to ask God to forgive me, and then forgive myself for giving authority of my body over to a swine. Yes, I cast my pearls before swine. And they trampled all over them. Because that’s what pigs do.
I ended those relationships. And didn’t date anyone for over a year. I learned how to take care of me and take authority back over my body. I asked God to break all the soul-ties with the blood of Jesus. I asked the Holy Spirit to come into those dark rooms and bring the deep healing I needed. I met with a counselor for a time and learned that the rape was not my fault. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not asked to be abused. It wasn’t that way in the beginning. It happens over time. And it’s wrong. Not every husband/boyfriend honors his wife. I learned the hard way.
When I was on my own I had to learn how to ‘honor my body’ and choose to be well. I didn’t have to stay a victim. God promised to heal me and I chose to let Him. He turned my victim mentality into victorious. He gave me strength when I had none. He gave me hope when I was lost.
I had to learn what honor meant too. Words and actions like honor, cherish, love, treasure – they had no meaning to me after years of abuse. But honor meant I could say NO. I could make a new choice as to what I would accept for myself, and what I would reject. I had to learn what a healthy relationship looked like. And I had to learn what respect meant and how to respect myself after receiving disrespect from so many.
Ways to Honor Your Body:
1. Accept that God made you perfect and stop the negative self-talk.
This negative self-talk led to destructive self-harm for me. I had to ask God to quiet the voices of the Enemy of my soul. And I had to read the Word and learn who God says I am. I had to give God’s Word more authority over me than my past, my hurts, my feelings, or my pain. I even hand wrote scripture verses on index cards and carried them around with me in my everyday life. This way when I heard a negative thing in my head or from some other person I would read and meditate on a verse of God’s Word. It works, really. I honor my body when I believe what God says about me more than how I feel or what someone tells me or has told me.
2. Start to eat healthier.
I admit it, I love junk food and pizza. And after being depressed for so long I ate what I wanted when I wanted it. Instead of taking things away the Holy Spirit has asked me to start adding healthy things – nuts, fruits, and vegetables to my diet. I don’t keep track, I am not a food Nazi. But I have to say that I feel better after adding these things. It is a process and I am glad He is teaching me how to honor my body this way.
3. Stop watching smut TV.
Yep. No more. I refuse to entertain the spirit of lust. I will not even watch mildly graphic shows, no soap operas, no dating shows, no let’s swap wives or Hollywood Housewives or anything. I turn them off. Lust leads to all sorts of bad things. I have seen so many people break up relationships or marriages after the spirit of lust moves in. What comes in through the eyes makes residence in our minds. Thoughts become actions. I have seen people throw away what they have to try something they see happen on tv or a movie. And it’s wrong. I choose to shut that door and not entertain the spirit of lust. I honor my body by not even going there.
4. Start to exercise slowly.
I joined Planet Fitness with my teen daughter about a month ago. The first time I went I could only go 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. And with my past leg injury I didn’t even try the treadmill. Can I tell you after a month I don’t have to wear my leg brace anymore! I can go 20 minutes on the elliptical and have even used the treadmill. All from a girl that heard the Dr. tell me, “I hope this leg surgery works or you won’t walk again.” I honor my body by moving it and exercising it. My mood is better. I feel alive again and there is hope. It’s going to be a good season this year!
What about you?
How did you learn to ‘honor your body’?
Tune in next time for SPRING TRAINING – TAKING RESPONSIBILITY OF OUR MONEY
Fear and anxiety are two things that we all have to deal with at some point. And I am amazed at the choices that we have to deal with them. Some people say fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. That may or may not be the case. But fear is also a warning sign that something is wrong. And to ignore it completely is not a healthy response, in my opinion. Imagine someone tried to hold you at gunpoint and you had no fear. Your choice might be to charge at the person, try and overtake them and you may hurt yourself and others in the process. Sometimes fear exists just to warn us that something is wrong. Ignoring or burying an emotion is not a good choice. I have learned this the hard way.
I used to bury my feelings all the time. Never talk about what I felt. It was too risky. When you live with a Narcissist Abuser any talk about your feelings or wants was met with arguments and screaming. Keeping my mouth shut was a learned response – but and unhealthy one. The thing about feelings is they just are. They may be based on true perceptions or faulty ones. But ignoring them and burying them does not help.
I have found that when I buried my fear it would come out in other ways. I would get a strange sickness or injury. Sometimes I would get bad headaches or muscle pains for no reason. It was like my fear was trying to talk in another way. I wonder if this is how people get sick.
I still remember the first time I went for help and the therapist showed me that face chart with all the feelings on it. She asked me how I felt that day. I had absolutely no idea – really. After ignoring my feelings for so long I really didn’t know. And the Abuser was not there to ask. Funny, how in an abusive relationship we even give up how we feel over to the power of the the Abuser. Sad. I see it now, but I didn’t see it then.
So, on my journey I started writing. It helped me figure out how I felt about anything. And gave me hope. And help me figure out that I did have choices. I didn’t have to ignore fear. I could talk about it. And then it lost it’s power. And my anxiety and fears were not monsters anymore – they were just feelings.
Here are some verses that helped me acknowledge my feelings and deal with them in a healthy way.
10 Power Scriptures for Anxiety and Fear
Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. (Philippians 4:6 AMP)
Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. (1Peter 5:7 AMP)
Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. (Isaiah 41:10 AMP)
And now, my daughter, fear not. I will do for you all you require, for all my people in the city know that you are a woman of strength (worth, bravery, capability). (Ruth 3:11)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (2Timothy 1:7 AMP)
Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace (the peace of His kingdom) at all times and in all ways [under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes]. The Lord [be] with you all. (2Thessalonians 3:16 AMP)
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. (Jeremiah 29:11 AMP)
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and [p]refresh your souls.]Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. (Matthew 11: 28-30 AMP)
And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]. (Colossians 3:15 AMP)
Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.] (John 14:27 AMP)
HIS CASTLE was a project that was made by a group of friends in Florida making a CSPAN Student Cam Video on Domestic Violence in order to help spread awareness to the community. This was created by Ivy Leung, Diana Proenza, and Nicole Romeu, students from Terra Environmental Research Institute.
“With the perspectives of advocacy, health care and legal professionals, we stress the crimes of domestic violence and consider the effectiveness of the Violence Against Women Act passed by the legislative branch on the victims of our community.”
(Click on the picture to watch the Video on Viddler)
They contacted me and asked to share one of the quotes from my book SNOW WHITE DARKNESS for their narrative video. Thank you Ivy, Diana, and Nicole – for an amazing video of the plight of the Domestic Violence Victim and the effect of the Violence Against Women Act. Great job spreading awareness!
To Purchase your copy of SNOW WHITE DARKENSS, my book and personal journey out of Domestic Violence click below:
“Smothered by control a tormented soul trapped in his castle Her tears rolling mist proof she exists in Snow White Darkness”
This blog is a letter to my children. I have been married to 2 Narcissists in my life. The Church calls them Jezebel Spirits. Here is my life lesson. In my opinion a Narcissist does not know what love is. It is always all about them. We are not people – we are possessions. And in his eyes, we are here to bow down and worship him. (sorry to be so blunt, but it’s true.)
You are old enough where we can have this conversation. I am so tired of the way he breaks your heart time and time again. Your tears break my heart. Every empty promise that brings you pain gives me pain too.
Can I share something with you? It’s not you. It’s not about anything you did or didn’t do. Sweetie, your father is a Narcissist.
According to Mythology:
In Greek mythology, Narcissus (/nɑrˈsɪsəs/; Greek: Νάρκισσος, Narkissos) was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was the son of a river god named Cephissus and a nymph named Liriope.
He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. Nemesis noticed this behavior and attracted Narcissus to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus drowned. Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, a fixation with oneself.
I am here to let you know that I love you. And I support you. I give you freedom to make your own choices and learn from your mistakes. I will be here to pick up the pieces when he degrades you and belittles you. I know what it feels like because he did it to me first.
I love you, and I will shelter you under the shadow of my wings just like God does for all of us. Put up the mirror around your heart and let his harsh words bounce off you as they are not true. You are beautiful. You matter. You are smart. And I love you,
(Click on pictures to enlarge)
(All images from breakingupwithyournarcissist.com, Pinterest, brainwashingchildren.com, lattuera.com, Wikpedia, quotepixel.com, LaHuera.com)