October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I have not posted on this subject yet this month, but today I want to share a few entries from my journal. Someone you know is most likely affected by Domestic Violence. Last I heard DV affects 1/3 women and 1/6 men in the United States. And I am sure these numbers go up in other places.
I have been in many abusive relationships. Not by choice. I didn’t want to live that way. But, thanks to God, I got the help I needed and my kids and I have been free from DV for about 10 years now. Being as I have had more than one ‘psycho’ in my life, I will change the names and dates so they don’t start harassing me again. This is one of the reasons I have not always shared. We do open ourselves up for more harassment if the Abuser finds out. But I want you to know the sheer terror and fear a victim lives with every day. And it does get worse when we leave, trust me.
One of the things the Police, Lawyers, and Advocates taught me early on was to keep a journal of every abusive thing that happens. We often have to prove in court that the pattern of Abuse has happened over a period of time. I have also shared these with Guardian-at-litum – the attorny that was appointed for the kids when I was getting divorced. It helped me receive FULL custody and FULL placement of my kids. And it reminds me, of the truth. Denial is powerful. And so is learned helplessness. Thank you Lord, for deliverance from violent and evil men!
For my protection I will name the Abuser “Joe”, but in my journal I used his real name. These are just a few entries…
Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim
” I can’t believe how nice Joe is being after this fight. Take a step back Diana. Remember how nice Delilah was to Samson before she handed him over to be killed? Don’t believe it. It is not true. The spirit is not dumb. Don’t go there, not now, it is not the right time. The proof is in the pudding”
“Joe’s anger is not the issue. He is angry and abusive to any woman. It is the Spirit of Anger that drives him. And Joe likes it that way. But God will be your shield and buckler.”
“I can’t believe Joe came to church after I left him. And then he sits down right next to me. God speaks to my spirit, “Let My works speak for themselves.” The Lord will be my Protector and my Defense. And then Joe tried to touch me. In the spirit I felt him put his hands around my neck as he had done so many times. I got up and walked away. God is my Defender and Protector – not you Joe.”
“Last night was prayer group. I was praying for my kids. While praying I spoke against the spirit in Joe. It looked like an Octopus with arms everywhere. I spoke against in Jesus Name and it crawled into a corner.”
“I can’t believe I slept with the Enemy. And then I married him.”
“Don’t respond when the Demons rise. Joe came to pick up the kids for his visit at my work. Comes over and says, ‘I love you D.’ Those are just empty words again. I don’t respond. So then he took my daughter J and went and cut her hair – really, really short. Joe knew I would not have approved. He chose to use her as a weapon against me, and she is only 6. That is not love.”
“Well, Joe screamed at me in the parking lot at my work – again. My friend Patty came out and asked if there was anything wrong and if I was ok. Joe kept screaming at me.”
“Joe came to drop off kids on the side of the building. (It was a grocery store – we always met in public places for drop offs and pick ups for safety reasons. My youngest was only 4 and still in a carseat). Joe pulled next to me and tried to carry my youngest child into my van. I told Joe he was not going in my van. I buckled my child in and Joe traps me and the kids in my van. He stands in the sliding door and refuses to move. Joe says his name is still on the van and he wants it back. I get a picture in my head of an angry dog – yelling and screaming and barking all while it devours its prey. I backed up out of the van, using my body to force him back and away from the kids. Protect the kids Diana. I shut the sliding van door and got in the drivers seart. I tried to roll up the window but I wasn’t fast enough. Joe held it down. I started the car and started backing up – terrified. Joe finally backed off, got in his car and squeeled his tires as he sped away.”
“No more Lord – I release Joe to You. I took off my wedding ring today and put it in the garage. Deliver us Lord. Joe called me 3 times that night. I didn’t answer.”
“It’s 40 days since I left. I went back to the park and cried a pillar of tears. I wrestled with God and ‘buried’ Joe and our marriage. The Army used to kill Deserters. It’s over.”
Psalm 35:1-9 (AMP)
Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me!
Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for my help!
Draw out also the spear and javelin and close up the way of those who pursue and persecute me. Say to me, I am your deliverance!
Let them be put to shame and dishonor who seek and require my life; let them be turned back and confounded who plan my hurt!
Let them be as chaff before the wind, with the Angel of the Lord driving them on!
Let their way be through dark and slippery places, with the Angel of the Lord pursuing and afflicting them.
For without cause they hid for me their net; a pit of destruction without cause they dug for my life.
Let destruction befall [my foe] unawares; let the net he hid for me catch him; let him fall into that very destruction.
Then I shall be joyful in the Lord; I shall rejoice in His deliverance.
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6 thoughts on “Journal Entries from a Former Domestic Violence Victim”
Reblogged this on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel and commented:
Diana, you are an inspiration to many! God bless you!
Reblogged this on Prayers and Promises and commented:
October is Domestic Violence month. I came across this today. My journal entries from when I lived in the mess. Thank you Lord for devlierance!
Your entries could be mine. Almost to the letter. OMG! It’s disconcerting and confirming. It is a spiritual craziness that clearly isn’t specific to only one person or relationship. How eye opening this is for me. Even if it took me a while to get to reading it, I needed this. God is still silencing demons that rise up from the past and torment me and the wonderful husband he has now blessed me with. And so we will battle. Thank you for sharing. Really.
Standing beside you Princess Warrior. I understand. There are still tormenting voices that try to get in. I am still learning to STOP, and not react to them. Learning to keep my peace. God bless you girl and Happy New Year!
Thanks! Blessing to you as well. Happy New Year!