A Messy Divorce with the Abuser

I thought I was done when the divorce was over. I thought that would be my ending and I would never have to see the Abuser again. Yeah right. Not if you have children together.  The story isn’t over when the Judge says “I grant the Judgement of Divorce.”  Yeah, that’s what they call it – a Judgement. Very strange. And you have to bring a certified copy of the marriage certificate too.  And witnesses. And if you can afford it, a lawyer.

I started out Pro-se, doing my own thing, as the Abuser said he would not contest it. Guess what? After filing all that paperwork and running  copies around for 6 months, we got to the hearing and he said, “I changed my mind, I am going to contest it.” I think he just liked to see me sweat.  So he got a lawyer, and then I had to get a lawyer, and of course then the kids get a lawyer.  What a mess.  It took like 2 years for my ordeal.

I remember they send you to a counselor first.  That was a joke.  At this point I had my own place with the kids and I had a restraining order against him.  And a journal full of all of the times he did not follow the order.  Guess Abusers don’t like following the rules. Truthfully, the Counselor kicked him out of the office.  He started berating me and yelling at me in front of him.

Here is a great article about what happens on D-Day. That’s what I called it. The day that things blew up!

The Divorce Hearing 

Life Lessons Learned in  Divorce Court

1.  Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you can prove it.

Can I tell you my first husband went and slept with my best friend at the time. All so she would not testify against him at our divorce hearing. Who I thought was a friend turned out to be an enemy. She testified against me. She was not my friend.  She tried to friend me on Facebook and I said no. Betrayal is betrayal.

Abusers isolate you from your friends and family. There may only be one or two people in your life who really know what is going on. The Abuser is a Predator. When you turn against him, he will turn against you. Expect it. He will go for “blood”.

2.  Judges don’t like drama.

Just because the Abuser lives and thrives on dram doesn’t men the Judge is going to believe it.  Most times there are NO witnesses for the Domestic Abuse. It really is your word against his. And he will have a team of witnesses against you. Expect it.

3.  He will lie.

This was a hard one for me. I thought I would tell the truth and the Abuser would too. But he doesn’t know what truth is. He will lie. Expect it. Be ready for it. The story he will spin will be another yarn you haven’t heard. The lies are never ending. It is what he does.  It is who he is.

4.  There will be an excuse.

The Abuser always has an excuse for his behavior. He does not see himself as responsible. There will be some down out long story as to why he did what he did. And it is a lie as well.

5.  It will always be someone else’s fault.

Abusers are experts at shifting the blame. They never take responsibility – for anything. It is always your fault. They will always point the finger. It is wht they do to hide.

6.  He will Always Use the Kids as Pawns.

Your children are play pieces in his master game. The are pawns in his eyes. He does not love them anymore than he doesn’t love you. He does not know what love is. He is a Narcissist. It is all about him. He will continue to use the children as pieces of a game – to get back at you. He will spoil them. He will buy them thing, just to play SuperDad. It is a lie. He is using them just like he used you. Don’t believe it.

And here is a song I wrote about divorce – guess I had to get the negative feelings out. It is a rather ‘sarcastic’ song, lol!  Click on the Title if you want to hear it…

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

© 2013 Diana Rasmussen

V1
There’s an empty box of Kleenex, she cries out in fear.
She stands in disbelief, realizing he’s not there.
20 years of marriage, flushed down the drain.
He met up with someone else, as she stands numb with pain.

CHORUS
No more Prince Charming, Snow White will not wake up.
Cinderella’s slipper is smashed, it’s a quarter to twelve.
Little Red Riding Hood got eaten by the wolf,
3 Little Pigs are homeless now, Goldilocks met her end.
Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale, Happily Ever After is just a fairy tale.

V2
Her tears flow freely as she’s trying to let go.
All her castles washed away, not the ending she had planned. 
Its lawyers and judges, contempt and child support.
Truth is stranger than fiction in never-never land.

Related articles

• Wisdom From Divorce: Was My Marriage A Lie?
• Divorce: When Amicable Turns Ugly
• A Lesson in Things Not to Say to an Abuse Victim

dianarasmussen

Diana Rasmussen is a Faith Builder, Worship Leader, Veteran’s wife, and a Certified Peer Specialist. At her blog Prayers and Promises she shares from her heart on how to find hope in this crazy world!

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