Category: Activism

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser

I remember a story my mom always used to tell me.  She said,” Diana, how do you boil a frog?” I said, ” I don’t know.” She said, “A little at a time.”

frog

You see when we put the frog in the water it was cold water. It wasn’t hot, no reason to jump out.  That’s what an abusive relationship starts out as – a cold pot of water. Then, after a time, the abuser lights the stove.  His behavior starts to change.  This may be accentuated with alcohol or drugs. Then the water starts to boil, as his actions become more and more controlling.  First he doesn’t want you to see your friends. Then he cuts you off from the family for some reason or another.  Then he won’t let you work.  Then he takes away the car, and the money.  And the water is so hot by then you can’t even imagine getting out.  So you don’t even try.

By this time, you are afraid when the sun goes down. You are constantly on edge trying to please “His Highness”. Anything to avoid a fight.  Especially when you have small children.  He says he wants the house clean and dinner ready by the time he gets home.  So you do exactly as you are told.  You tell yourself to “be the good wife” and not rock the boat.  You pick up after the kids all day, have the house clean, and a great dinner – but then he doesn’t come home. Until after 2am.  You pace around all night, scream at the kids because you are so angry, and finally get them to sleep.  You try calling his phone – but he turns it off.  So you wait.  Your whole world revolves around what he does and how you can please him.  He has become your God.  You would do anything for him.  As he walks all over you and squashes you like a bug.

Welcome to Abusive Relationship Training 101  This is not normal.  This is not healthy.  This is not a pattern you want to teach your children.  Real love doesn’t look like this.

Here are some ideas on how to start to change YOUR MIND.  What HE does is not the focus of this article.

We cannot control what the Abuser does,

but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT!

worship (verb)

  1.  to honor or respect (someone or something) as a god
  2. to show respect and love for God or for a god especially by praying, having religious services, etc.
  3. to love or honor (someone or something) very much or too much

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/worship

3 Ways to Stop Worshipping the Abuser:

1.  Admit that you have put him on a pedestal

Yes, we did. We think we are trying to keep the peace, but in all reality there is no peace.  A relationship like this thrives on chaos and confusion.  The fights become more frequent and more intense as the relationship goes on.  The first step in changing this picture is to stop worshipping the ground he walks on.  He is not God.

This may be difficult as many victims have an idealized picture of what the relationship looks like.  Victims tend to idolize the “honeymoon phase” and ignore the “big blow out” phase.  We lie to ourselves.  If we told ourselves the truth, then we would have to DO something. This was one of the hardest things for me.  I knew how to live as the victim.  If I stayed the victim, then in my mind,  I always had someone to blame.

Taking back my thoughts was step one of my healing.  I didn’t have to worship him.  It was not my job to change him.  He was not who I thought he was, and that was the truth.  And I was not myself either.

2. Admit that even though he thinks he is GOD, he is not.

Another step to healing was to admit to myself that my thoughts could be different from his.  And I didn’t have to prove them to anyone.  I have my own thoughts and feelings. God gave them to ME when He made me.  The Abuser was great at telling me how I should feel, what I should look like, what I should do.  I gave my power away.  I gave my thoughts and dreams away to him.

No more.  I gave myself permission to think differently. Just because he said something, didn’t mean it was true.  I  gave myself permission to seek out my own truth, and ‘own’ my own feelings.  And I didn’t even have to tell him.  Talk about freedom!

One of the things I learned to say after years of therapy/spiritual counsel was, “I am sorry YOU feel that way.”  That helped me divide my feelings from that of my abuser.  It was liberating, it was awesome, and he hated it.  Be prepared at this point for the fights to increase.  Any sign of ‘unsubmission’ may irritate the abuser more.  Be prepared to walk away.  Have an action plan, and a safe house to go to at this stage.

3. Develop your own Spiritual Plan of Action and Worship

The last step that I did to de-throne the “king” was to develop healthy relationships with other people.  I chose to go to therapy and seek Spiritual Counsel.  I asked the abuser to go with me.  He did for a time, until he got thrown out of the office!  Yep, more than one counselor, and more than one time.  Then we started to go to church.  We would go together until we met with the Pastor.  I have had 3 different Pastors from 3 different churches tell me that I needed to leave.  That the abuser was not interested in change.  I left the abuser 7 different times in 8 years.  The last time was Oct 2004, and I haven’t gone back.  My kids and I got out, and with the help of the local YWCA Shelter, we started our new life.  I am not a frog, and neither are my children!

Now I am not a counselor, although I have been a patient.  I am not a Pastor, although I have been a follower for many years now. Having other people in my life that taught me about who GOD really was opened my eyes to who I had been worshipping all these years – the abuser!

Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org
Source: http://lifeskillsillinois.org

(Featured Photo Source: nourishingpassions.com)

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Facebook post leads to arrests in cyberbullying suicide case – FOX 13 News

Facebook post leads to arrests in cyberbullying suicide case – FOX 13 News.

This is so sad.  Imagine yourself as a teenage girl, trying to fit in. Then your best friend steals your boyfriend. And people you thought were your friends turn on you. Everyone starts trashing you online. You start checking your FB page every few seconds to see what people are saying about you. And then someone says you should “drink bleach and die”.  And person after person hits the “LIKE” Button…30 people “like” this idea. How would you feel?

This teenager killed herself over it.

 Really.

 Bullied online for over a year.

Her name was Rebecca Sedwick

         she was 12 Years old

Here is a video on what to do now:

Let us all make the effort to get involved in our children’s “online lives”.

Do you read your children’s Facebook page?

It’s not a choice anymore – “friend” me or no internet in my house.

Parents – let us stand up and be parents.

No more suicides. No more not knowing.

It’s not all roses anymore.

~just another mom, Diana~

Do Twelve Step Meetings open doors to sexual predators?

Every now and then you run across a post that just opens up a new revelation for you, right? Well last night I read this and it immediately spoke to me. You may or may not agree with me on this post – and that is ok.  I am sharing my experiences and my thoughts here.

Here is the post that helped me see last night:
NO FEAR HERE

You see, in my past I have attended about 10+ years of 12 Step Meetings. I went to everything from Al-Anon, CODA, ACOA, AA, NA, and more looking for answers.  I did not know GOD then. And I bought into the lie – that I could just make one up.  That the “God of my understanding” was it.  There were even those who prayed to doorknobs and squirrels. Really. A room full of people looking for answers, and using a Blue Book instead of the Bible.  Yeah, I made up my own image of God ( my very own idol) and I refused the God of the Bible.  At that time in my life I memorized that Blue Book.  After all we read those 12 steps and 12 traditions at every meeting.  And we share old war stories. And we measure ourselves by what we do or don’t do – drink or don’t drink, drug or don’t drug, etc.  Wow, talk about deceived.  Talk about a form of Godliness and denying it’s power.

Anyway, let’s just take the 1st Step:

1. We admitted we were POWERLESS OVER _____, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Ok, what does the Word of God say about this?

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

(2 TIMOTHY 1:7 NKJV)

 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. (Romans 8:11 NKJV)

 

So, here is my dilemma:

In 12 step groups you are powerless and will never recover. You have no power.  The drink or the drug is your GOD. You measure yourself by that.  You believe you are sick forever.  And the thing that you want relief from has now become your GOD.  I worshiped my recovery.  I thought about it day and night, I went to multiple meetings, and I even defined myself with a ‘label’ when I attended.  I became my ‘disease’. My name is _____ and I am a __________. What a lie. Talk about being deceived.

vs

In the Body of Christ – you have the power of God in you, the same power that rose Jesus Christ from the dead, and you can be healed and made whole and well.  The power of the Holy Spirit resides in you.  Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.  God gets to be God, and deliver you, and free you – from whatever.  It is not based on our works, what we do or don’t do, but on the Grace of God.  Our worth is not based on what we drink or eat or do. And we are not a disease.  We are children of the King. And we have POWER! We are not POWERLESS!

I have even read that these groups are cults.  Really. Wow, talk about a revelation.  Exploring more, I came across these two blogs.

EXPOSE AA AT http://www.expaa.org/

STOP 13 STEP IN AA at http://stop13stepinaa.wordpress.com/

Now I get it.  These meetings are court ordered for many criminals including sex offenders and pedophiles  I have been 13th stepped.  I have met some very, very sick people in 12 step groups. Like JM, who thought he was an expert in Al-Anon, was the leader in many groups, but was a Predator in disguise.  Had all the toys – the corvette, the plane, the house, made lots of money, yet drank himself to oblivion every night after a meeting.  He later was fired from his cushy job for keeping inappropriate photos at work.  He had guns in his closet and wasn’t afraid to use them.  He had photo album upon album of his S&M ‘hobby’ of demeaning and beating women – I saw them.  He thought he was fine and recovered.  And this is the person who led the meetings.  Yeah.  And I’m sure he is not the only sicko in charge. And no, I do not go to meetings anymore – too many psychos! Thank you Jesus, for truth and light.

From: www.orange-papers.org
From: www.orange-papers.org
Here are some of the articles I read:

The 13th Step – the film

A Documentary about sexual predatory behavior in AA and it’s culture. This is about changing laws at a Federal level around criminals being plea bargained into 12 step meetings. This film is about changing policy in AA and making AA safer with Workshops, Literature, Posters, Sexual harassment training at every level within its structure and warning the public of its current polices and who is really sitting in a meeting with the public at large and current AA members.

Why?

Suicide Prevention Awareness Day is today.  I looked up some info on TWLOA (To Write Love On Her Arms)

image

Here is an excerpt from Newsweek and http://twloha.com/news/newsweek-covers-suicide-epidemic•

  • “Throughout the developed world … [suicide] is now the leading cause of death for people 15 to 49, surpassing all cancers and heart disease.”
  • “In the last two decades … there’s been a 37 percent increase in the years of life lost to clinical depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, and other disorders of the mind …”
  • “The suicide rate for Americans 45 to 64 has jumped more than 30 percent in the last decade …”
  • “[Suicide] now takes more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined.”

Why?

By Rascal Flatts

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can’t be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]
Oh why, that’s what I keep asking
Was there anything I could’ve
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I’ll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You’d shine just like the sun

[Chorus]
Oh why, that’s what I keep asking
Was there anything I could’ve
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn’t
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you’re gone and we cry
‘Cause it’s not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

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