There are times when I have wanted to fit in so badly, that I would do whatever anyone wanted. I had no voice, or if I did, I didn’t use it. I had no boundaries. Yep, a real doormat. And since I did not put value on myself, I attracted people who did not value me either. You get what you project. When I saw myself as worthless, I attracted people who would treat me that way. When I saw myself as weak, I attracted people who would dominate me. My vision of myself really needed to change.
My blog shares my journey to wellness, to healing, to Jesus. I went to about 10-15 years of 12 step meetings. Yes, everyday I would say, “My name is Diana, and I am a ________”. The meetings helped me realize I was not alone, but the vision was “once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, or once an addict always an addict.” That wasn’t what I wanted; it left me with the vision that I would always be “a victim, an addict, a drunk, etc.” That wasn’t freedom to me. I wanted more.
Then I went to therapy. Another 10-15 years on and off. And lots of meds. Took the edge off, but they always wanted to know “whats wrong with you today?”. There was always something wrong. Let’s talk about it… Again, it helped me on my journey to get the skeletons out of the closet, but I wanted more. I wanted to be whole and well. The past was over, yes I could learn from it, but I didn’t want to live there.
Alas, then I went to the church. And that’s another story. There were sick people and well people there too. But I did find one thing there that I didn’t find anywhere else. God’s Word, and Jesus. I would read things like “Jesus came to deliver the sick and heal them ALL.” I wanted that, healing. I wanted to be well. I wanted the “Prayers and Promises” that God said I could have. I wanted the Promises/Prayers to be real. I wanted to see those words come to pass in my life. And I still do, but now I want them to come true for more than just me. I want them to come true for my husband, for my children, my family, my friends, the church, the nations, and the world!
My life verse:
I am still learning what God has promised me. I am still learning who God made me to be. I am still learning who He is. But I am growing, and I have hope today. I am not sitting in a fetal position and rocking myself behind a locked door today. I am not in jail, in the hospital, strung out, drunk, or messed up today. I am peaceful, and hopeful, and enjoying the path to wholeness that God has provided. I have found LIFE, I have found HOPE, I have found HEALING – thank you Jesus! Yes, I have bumps in the road, but at least today I am going in the right direction. 🙂