I recently have been visiting many Doctors to figure out what is going on with me. One of them asked, ” What are your stressors?” It took me a few days to figure this out. My family life is good. What else could stress me? Then it hit me, I hate loss.

Here is part of the letter I sent my Doctor:

I have a hard time with loss ever since 2012. In Jan of 2012 my Mother in law passed away from Cancer. In Feb of 2012 I broke my leg and lost my job. In Sept of 2012 my Mom passed away from Cancer. In the spring of 2013 we went through a foreclosure due to my lost income. This has affected how I perceive the world.

This past year my sister in law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She has undergone Chemotherapy and will start Radiation in May. My heart breaks for her and what she is having to go through.

My best friends have lost 2 of their children in the last 15 months. My heart breaks for them too. How do you go on after that? Lord, help us all.

In my job, we have a 60% turnover rate. I am losing friends all the time – they leave or go to another department. It makes us afraid to open up and get too close to each other. Too many people leaving all the time.

When my Peripheral Neuropathy started I had just got promoted. I couldn’t feel my legs while I was doing the training. It was 8 hours on my feet. I was afraid I was going to lose my job. I provide insurance for my family. I was afraid I would lose our insurance, so I pushed through the pain. Not a good idea. It really made things worse. I had to turn down the Training Position I was offered due to the inability to stand. This was a teaching position that I really wanted, and I lost that too.

I guess I am afraid of losing my job and losing my health this year.

We all face loss. We all grieve. I can tell you I really don’t like this whole process. I am not really a touchy, feely kind of girl. I find freedom when I write.

They say there are 5 stages to grief. I think I am stuck somewhere:

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

I think it’s #4 – Depression. I think I am just stuck here.  I have been on short term disability since November of last year. I have no idea if I will be able to go back to work. I have so many Doctors and so many tests. They have said I have this, that, and the other thing. Blah, blah, blah – I am so sick of this. Doesn’t matter. God is greater.

I want my friend’s kids back, I want my sister’s health back. I want my body back. I want my health back. I want that Training job. It just isn’t fair. And I have absolutely NO CONTROL over any of this! That’s probably what I am wrestling with.

How do you deal with loss?